Can’t I rewind time?

Today I feel utterly useless. As I mentioned in my previous post, the guy whom I used to love (let’s call him Belgian chocolate) loves someone else. Quite normal actually. This time around, I’m yet again stuck in the same room with him for another hellish 10 months and yes as you guys have perceived I meant a classroom. In the beginning I thought “How will I survive this torture?!” only to be proven that there’s not a single trace of remorse or sadness in my system. Probably because I’ve had enough of Belgian chocolate and thought that it’d be better to stay as friends than hope for more.

Anyway, as these almost two months past by, there’s this other guy who’s been on my mind lately (let’s call him Swiss chocolate). I know that I may seem like the type who “easily falls in love” or “whines about every single damn thing about her love life” but seriously I’ve loved Belgian for only God knows how long. Instead of waiting, why can’t I just move on? So Swiss chocolate’s a nice guy. He’s caring, sweet and easy to be around with though I’ve done something wrong. I just had a small huge misunderstanding with him today and messed up. I’m not afraid of him getting mad, but what I’m afraid of is his opinion of me after this incident.

It hurts. It sure as hell hurts. Just as soon as I find somebody who might’ve seen me as just me, someone who’d likely accept me for who I am, the red string of fate that connects me to him is starting to break. I know this string is meant to tie those who are fated partners together but I honestly think that you have these red strings tied and connecting you to those who are dear to you. It’s starting to break. The string that I’ve cherished for some time is almost breaking. Please don’t let it happen. I want to mend everything back together and have things the way it was before. Even if I might lose the chance of hoping you to love me as I am. Can’t I rewind time and bring back everything to normal?

“When you lose someone, you get used to living day to day without them. But you’ll never get used to the “10 second heartbreak.” That’s the time it takes to wake to full consciousness each day and remember…”
― Nina Guilbeau

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I hope we meet soon

What is “love”? Is that the feeling I get when I’m around you? The feeling like I have tons of butterflies in my stomach? That the world seemed to sparkle when I see you and nothing else mattered to me? When I’m around I can hardly even breathe. My heart starts to beat uncontrollably once I see a smile grace your face. Is this really what they call “love”? I may sound like some love struck idiot but I don’t really mind.

I enjoyed your company. I loved everything about you. The way you laughed were music to my ears, your gentle smile looked as if it came right out an antique painting. You’d make fun of me, and I’d playfully get mad at you in return. Heck everything I’m saying right now sounds too cliché.

I took my chance and confessed my love for you like some heroine from shojo mangas, yet all you did was listen and never replied. I told myself it was fine, that I’d be content by just seeing you smile. That I’d be content to be just near you, but I never really thought that I’d ever regret not hearing your reply.

The months past by while my heart still flutters just by hearing your name, but this same heart pounded painfully in my chest once I’ve heard that you’ve fallen in love with someone else. The girl was beautiful, smart and everything else I couldn’t be. How I wish I were in her shoes. Even if my heart was filled with jealousy, envy and regret, I took the courage to smile in front of you and cheer you on.

Months past by yet again, and here I am writing about this tale of mine. I’ve always kept a smile on my face so I wouldn’t worry anyone. I said I’d forget you and would drown myself with books. That I’d take it easy and do what I want to do, yet even if I kept this facade for so long, I’d suddenly remember you and your smile. My heart aches so badly and tears would always threaten to fall once given the chance. “I’m okay” is what I’d always say, but in truth “I’m not okay”.

There are some people out there who are able to find their other half without even trying to. Some mistaking that their partner was already “the one” but in reality, they weren’t. Every girl deserves to have a prince on a white horse or a knight in shining armour, so happens that I haven’t found him yet. Just let me shed all these unshed tears first; I wouldn’t want to keep these feelings bottled up in me. Then after such time, I would wipe them away and face life with a smile saying to my previous love I’m sorry it took so long to give up, but in return for not saying your feelings, I would like to say mine. I’m sorry, you weren’t the one but thank you for letting me love you.

To the man I might fall in love with in the future, the one who would hold me tightly in his arms, to the person who’d whisper an I love you, I hope we meet soon.

Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
~Oscar Wilde

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