Paint

Enough. I’ve had it. You know what? You’re lucky. You’re lucky that people never judged you. Because you were the “victim” and people always liked you to begin with. This happened before, but it was because of her. I was always the one to blame when a problem arises. Why? Simple, because I don’t show how affected I am. But you? Both of you did the same thing, and that was to show people how hurt you were. You’re afraid of hurting me? You know what? You’ve done nothing but that just by showing how you feel. But that’s fine. Because I am the “cause” and you are the “victim”, right?

When you said to give you some space, I did. We were strangers that time. You know what? I’d rather be a stranger to you than play this game of “friends”. To be honest, I had doubted you when you said we were “friends” because it was so obvious that you didn’t want to. Even so, I still believed we’d somehow go back to how the way things used to be. But like I once said, “it can not be”.

I envy you. When you changed because of this fiasco, people accepted it. Because you were the “victim”. Since I was the “cause”, people thought ill of me. And you know it’s been a month, a damn month now since that happened even so, people still talk about it. For example, someone’s ask.fm? And no, it’s not only yours. What more did I find out? You’ve removed me from your friends list on Facebook. One word. Coward. If you want to get away from me that much, say it in my face. Let’s be real, you hate me. No, you despise me. Like what I said, you are the “victim” and I am the “cause”. We’ve always been an opposite of each other, don’t you think?

I have my limits, and thus far, I’m pretty much ready to explode. Even if I suddenly disappear, no one would care- yes? If you’re a coward than I’m a hypocrite. Fear can be healed but not hypocrisy. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep. I’m tired of calling random people at some ungodly hour just to have someone listen to me cry. I’m tired of trying to get things back to the way it used to be.  I’m tired of pretending that I’m strong. I’m tired of how ill people think of me. I’m tired of crying while writing this. I’m tired of giving a damn. I’ll throw you back a question you’ve once asked me, “What do YOU want?”. I want to paint my world with red and have my peace, but before that, watch me turn into something else.

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A waste of my time

There are times when one has to make the first move to know if the other truly cares for her as much as she does.

The first time we I left, you told me you’ll get everything fixed. When we I couldn’t take it anymore, the last words I heard you say was “I swear I’ll earn you guys back”. But nothing happened.

I always thought that I did the right thing- leave before I get left behind again. You left me not once, not twice, but thriceDid you really think I’ll give you another damn chance after you left me behind so many times? Call me bitter or whatever but it always seemed like you’d never give a damn about our friendship- much less leave me behind without a second thought.

cared about you. I loved you like you were my own sister. Did you even care about me? Well considering you left me, your best friend for who knows how long, for some guy who you barely talked to or practically ignored all those years ago- I guess you didn’t. I guess this is where you can say “love is blind” huh?

Honestly, I did leave but even if I did- I still waited for you. I left thinking that you’ll figure out that I meant the opposite of every single damn thing I said. That you’ll know that I did all this for a reason. I held on that tiny piece of hope that maybe, just maybe, there’s still this part of you that screams “chase after her!”. But I was wrong. You didn’t do anything at all. It went on for months and that last piece of hope I had in me- was sure as hell mortifying.

I waited and waited and waited to the point that I look like some idiot telling everyone that I didn’t give a damn but deep inside it felt like I created my own personal hell to haunt me. I waited for so long, but I guess it was time to give up. It was time to completely let go. It was time to move on. You love him more than me, I get it. I walked away from all this pain- from you. I simply didn’t care anymore.

I remember the time you left me for some girl who happened to share the same fandom as you. You left me unknowingly and as much as it was also partly my fault for ignoring you after being unintentionally ignored, thinking back you never tried again. I remember my big sister telling me you weren’t worth it and that I should never remember your existence in my life. And so I did. I spent one whole damn year acting as if you didn’t exist- so did you. But on the bright side I found new friends. Friends to make new memories with. Friends to be happy with.

Who would have known that by the time we entered high school, you’d be back in my life and the friends I met welcomed you with open arms. Might I add my dear sister said I was so stupid to accept you with open arms once again and said “You’ll regret it for the rest of my life”. Nonetheless we had the time of our lives. We laughed, we cried, we acted crazy. It was the most fun I ever had. But then again, time wouldn’t let it last. Things went south once you found him, and mind you, I wasn’t the only one who noticed.

Months passed by and gossips were all around. People didn’t like your relationship, and if I may add, their image of you drastically changed because of it. You were once the sweet, modest and honest girl to them but now? You were nothing but a coquette, a slut if worse. The first few times I heard of it, it pained me. But the fact that I knew what actually happened, and nonetheless you said it was true, made a part of me think otherwise. Just what happened to you?

Time passes by, and here comes the end of the school year. It was practically normal, until you attempted to talk to me. “If she exerts enough effort, I might give her a chance but I won’t give her an easy time” is what I thought not ’til you brought out your little “peace offering”. Sure, bribe me out if, that’ll get us back. Wrong. As much as the intentions were sincere, that one action destroyed everything. Did you really think your “gift” would help? More like it pissed us off more.

So now as I stupidly write all this, and tell myself don’t give a damn anymore, I let boredom take over me and ended up reading up on your profile. And yes, call me a stalker all you want but who the heck cares? It seemed like you don’t care about me or any of our friends anymore. The fact that we left seemed to make you happy as well. God it hurts. I know I left, I know I brought all this upon myself. I know I deserve all of this crap, but it doesn’t change the fact that it still hurts.

I once talked to my mom about all the crap happening around me but then she told me “You know what? She’s lucky to have you. You loved her way too much- to the point that she’s like family to you” and when I protested saying that I didn’t give a damn about you anymore she said “If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be this much affected. You wouldn’t even show any emotion. I see anger, sadness and pain in your eyes every time her name is brought up” and to that I didn’t have a comeback. Maybe my mom was right. Maybe I still do care, maybe not. Maybe my sister was right, maybe I shouldn’t have let you simply waltz in my life. I would’ve been happier that way. Who knows? What’s done is done. I left before you left me anyway. One thing is what I’m sure of, yes you made a part of my life full but the fact that you were about to leave me made everything a waste of my time.

I believe there are more urgent and honorable occupations than the incomparable waste of time we call suffering.
~Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

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Abandonment

“No man is an island” is how the saying goes, why? Simply because man cannot live without his peers.

I’ve lived throughout my life thinking I don’t need a lot of friends, or be popular. I just need to have real friends and just simply be me. And I’ve found them. Friends that accept me for who I am, who can handle me at worst, who would tell me everything straight to my face. Friends that I’d treasure until the day I die.

Even so, I can’t help but feel abandoned. Slowly, but surely, something’s changing. Our bonds loosened, our backs turned to one another. Imbalance, jealousy, silence. Our emotions getting the best of us. One finds happiness, changes, and the other turns her back on her and leaves. One was once inseparable from the other, but then had misunderstandings and went their separate ways. Two kept silent for the better, but then it was brought out in the open and ’caused tears to be shed. One just felt all the pain.

One has other people she cares for, the other has the happiness she shares with her lover, the other two has each other. I’m left all alone.

“I am not needed”, “I don’t exist”, “They can be happy without me”. Such thoughts clog my mind with hate and anxiety. Just what am I supposed to do? I can’t be honest anymore. Should I just keep myself in the dark and feel all this pain? Or should I make the first move?

“And what if—what are you if the people who are supposed to love you can leave you like you’re nothing?”
― Elizabeth Scott, The Unwritten Rule

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It hurts

As a kid, I used to love the holidays. The presents, the food, everything. But now it feels so empty.

Recently, I’ve been telling people that I’ve given up on you. That I despise you. Honestly, as much as I want to, I didn’t mean any of that. I love you and it hurts, but giving up hurts more. I never meant to hurt you. To literally slap you in the face. I wanted to talk. To talk about why you hate me, why you mock me, make fun of me…. hurt me. But you pushed me to my limits. I was emotional and I know that wasn’t a good enough reason for my actions but that day I was talking to you, you were smiling the whole time. I was pissed and was close to tears but you were smiling. I don’t know why but my body just moved at it’s own will and slapped you right in the face. It took minutes before I realized what I’ve done and I apologized to you so many times. Regardless, it just got worse.

I thought you were the type to not bring up such a personal topic among your friends, but you proved me wrong. You blabbed it all out. The reason I talked to you, me slapping you, everything. And that was brought in the open for the whole class to know. God it was painful. To have people look at you as if you killed someone, I just had to literally slash my wrists over it.

What hurts most is that after you found out that I hurt myself, you didn’t give a damn. During the first few weeks you found out about me hurting myself, you tried to keep anything sharp away from me. A pair of scissors, a cutter.. heck I guess even a fine tipped pen if I tried. But now? I don’t even think that you’d care if I stabbed myself right in front of you. What happened to the boy I loved? The person who cared for those around him? Or was it just my own  selfish hallucinations?

Sometimes I ask myself, what if I said yes to the boy who confessed to me? What if I just gave in rather than stay faithful on someone who doesn’t even like me? Would I be happy? But hey, I’m only thinking about this now because of all the pain. I know that guy deserves more than an idiot like me.

That’s right, I’m an idiot. I love you to the point it hurts.

To know that one does not write for the other, to know that these things I am going to write will never cause me to be loved by the one I love, to know that writing compensates for nothing.

~Roland Barthes

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Just why?

Tell me, why do you do this? Why do you want me to be so miserable? I can’t get a clue! Why? Why? Why? WHY?  I’ve done NOTHING wrong to you! Why? Why? Why? WHY?

As much as it hurts, I’ve done my best to not be “me” in front of you. If I become “me” then you’ll just completely hate me, because I’m just some random girl that you don’t give a damn about, somebody really annoying, somebody you despise. I’m useless, I’m weak, I’m nothing. I’m a coward, I hide behind a tough exterior but in reality, I’m really fragile inside. I’m pathetic, aren’t I? So tell me, why? Despite my hardest effort, why do you still treat me like this?

I don’t know what to do. I don’t even understand if I should still love you. But I’m a hypocrite, I say this but in actuality I DO love you.

Please tell me. Please explain to me,  just why Swiss?

Why can’t you see just how important you are to me?

When you say the word “friends” what comes to mind? If you’d consult a dictionary, it’d say “A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.”  despite that, I’d say a friend is someone whom you trust and have confidence in. Someone who understands you more than yourself.

People tend to think a guy and girl can’t become best friends because it’ll most probably end up into a romantic relationship but think again. Although it’d be great to fall in love with your guy best friend since it’d be cute and romantic and whatnot, there are times when falling in love with him isn’t the best option out there. Like say, he knows you all to well and it’ll just remove that sense of surprise with dates and everything or you wouldn’t feel like your actually dating because how you treat each other barely change.

I have this best friend (let’s call him Koi), a guy to be precise, whom I’ve known for the longest time. We met in our 1st grade but started off with the relationship of cats and dogs but after around year, we ended up being together almost all the time. We were always always together, to the point while growing up- our batch mates thought we liked each other or were dating so we always ended up denying it whenever somebody brought it up.

Though it may be true that Koi liked me in a romantic way during first grade, I never ever thought of him in the same way. Ever. I mean we were kids! We were naive, gullible and innocent. We’d make the smallest mistakes and cry over them. There was I time a tried liking him and if I’m not mistaken, it was during our 6th grade. I hopelessly liked this guy (let’s call him Combos) but ended up being made fun of, so another (girl) friend of mine suggested the “like-somebody-else-so-you-can-forget” method. I tried thinking of certain people and somehow, Koi came to mind. Anyway, that went on for almost a month but no matter how hard I try, I just couldn’t like him that way. All I could think of is that he’s my big brother and being together with him, romantically speaking, would feel like incest. Besides, he liked someone else at that time.

So the years pass by and here we are at the present. We’re still together and people STILL think we were or are dating and whatnot, and yes we- or rather I- still bother denying it. Of course my group of friends composed of him and a lot more grade school and freshmen year during high school pals. Despite being together, sometimes I feel like he’s drifting further away from me. He doesn’t trust me like he used to and tells his secrets to another friend of ours (whom he met through me during our grade school years). No matter how hard I try he wouldn’t budge and tell me.

Moving on, one of the bad habits of Koi is punching me. I mean not the fake punch on the shoulder but the literal manly punch. As kids, it was fine. It was normal for children to punch or kick each other but for crying out loud our bodies isn’t like how it used to be! If we were still kids, I’d be able to keep up but now? Does he seriously expect me to keep up with his puberty-affected body? He was always strong in the past and now he’s waaay stronger. What’s more? I’m the only person he does that to. Great, isn’t it? Another addition, his body was ALWAYS numb so he rarely felt any physical pain. So if ever you think of punching him, don’t forget to bring some bandage so you can mend your injuries after trying so much.

Setting that aside, we are currently in a fight. Why? It’s simple. I’m sick of him not treating me like a girl. I mean, I know we’re close and I’m currently overreacting and all but that doesn’t give him an excuse to actually hit me. What else? He does it just to grab my attention. Who in their right mind would actually punch a girl just to get her attention? A normal person would just give a tap on the shoulder or if it had to be a punch, it’d be that friendly punch on the shoulder! Not the full-strength-to-the-point-I’m-bruised type!

What else is there? Oooh that’s right! He thinks I take him for GRANTEDWho on Earth would put up with someone who punches them to the point that they’re bruised and take them for granted?! I greet him THREE times every year during his birthday while he almost FORGETS mine! It was MY idea to hang-out with him and another friend when they almost left the country to study abroad! I was ALWAYS there for him when he needed me the most! How on Earth did he come up with the idea that I don’t give a damn about him! He’s my best friend. He knows me better than I know myself. We were always together. So why can’t you see just how important you really are to me?

Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.
~Albert Camus

 

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I hope we meet soon

What is “love”? Is that the feeling I get when I’m around you? The feeling like I have tons of butterflies in my stomach? That the world seemed to sparkle when I see you and nothing else mattered to me? When I’m around I can hardly even breathe. My heart starts to beat uncontrollably once I see a smile grace your face. Is this really what they call “love”? I may sound like some love struck idiot but I don’t really mind.

I enjoyed your company. I loved everything about you. The way you laughed were music to my ears, your gentle smile looked as if it came right out an antique painting. You’d make fun of me, and I’d playfully get mad at you in return. Heck everything I’m saying right now sounds too cliché.

I took my chance and confessed my love for you like some heroine from shojo mangas, yet all you did was listen and never replied. I told myself it was fine, that I’d be content by just seeing you smile. That I’d be content to be just near you, but I never really thought that I’d ever regret not hearing your reply.

The months past by while my heart still flutters just by hearing your name, but this same heart pounded painfully in my chest once I’ve heard that you’ve fallen in love with someone else. The girl was beautiful, smart and everything else I couldn’t be. How I wish I were in her shoes. Even if my heart was filled with jealousy, envy and regret, I took the courage to smile in front of you and cheer you on.

Months past by yet again, and here I am writing about this tale of mine. I’ve always kept a smile on my face so I wouldn’t worry anyone. I said I’d forget you and would drown myself with books. That I’d take it easy and do what I want to do, yet even if I kept this facade for so long, I’d suddenly remember you and your smile. My heart aches so badly and tears would always threaten to fall once given the chance. “I’m okay” is what I’d always say, but in truth “I’m not okay”.

There are some people out there who are able to find their other half without even trying to. Some mistaking that their partner was already “the one” but in reality, they weren’t. Every girl deserves to have a prince on a white horse or a knight in shining armour, so happens that I haven’t found him yet. Just let me shed all these unshed tears first; I wouldn’t want to keep these feelings bottled up in me. Then after such time, I would wipe them away and face life with a smile saying to my previous love I’m sorry it took so long to give up, but in return for not saying your feelings, I would like to say mine. I’m sorry, you weren’t the one but thank you for letting me love you.

To the man I might fall in love with in the future, the one who would hold me tightly in his arms, to the person who’d whisper an I love you, I hope we meet soon.

Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
~Oscar Wilde

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