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Enough. I’ve had it. You know what? You’re lucky. You’re lucky that people never judged you. Because you were the “victim” and people always liked you to begin with. This happened before, but it was because of her. I was always the one to blame when a problem arises. Why? Simple, because I don’t show how affected I am. But you? Both of you did the same thing, and that was to show people how hurt you were. You’re afraid of hurting me? You know what? You’ve done nothing but that just by showing how you feel. But that’s fine. Because I am the “cause” and you are the “victim”, right?

When you said to give you some space, I did. We were strangers that time. You know what? I’d rather be a stranger to you than play this game of “friends”. To be honest, I had doubted you when you said we were “friends” because it was so obvious that you didn’t want to. Even so, I still believed we’d somehow go back to how the way things used to be. But like I once said, “it can not be”.

I envy you. When you changed because of this fiasco, people accepted it. Because you were the “victim”. Since I was the “cause”, people thought ill of me. And you know it’s been a month, a damn month now since that happened even so, people still talk about it. For example, someone’s ask.fm? And no, it’s not only yours. What more did I find out? You’ve removed me from your friends list on Facebook. One word. Coward. If you want to get away from me that much, say it in my face. Let’s be real, you hate me. No, you despise me. Like what I said, you are the “victim” and I am the “cause”. We’ve always been an opposite of each other, don’t you think?

I have my limits, and thus far, I’m pretty much ready to explode. Even if I suddenly disappear, no one would care- yes? If you’re a coward than I’m a hypocrite. Fear can be healed but not hypocrisy. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep. I’m tired of calling random people at some ungodly hour just to have someone listen to me cry. I’m tired of trying to get things back to the way it used to be.  I’m tired of pretending that I’m strong. I’m tired of how ill people think of me. I’m tired of crying while writing this. I’m tired of giving a damn. I’ll throw you back a question you’ve once asked me, “What do YOU want?”. I want to paint my world with red and have my peace, but before that, watch me turn into something else.

Happy Birthday

How long has it been since I’ve claimed that I don’t love you anymore? How long has it been since I’ve tried to give up on you? How long has it been since I kept telling myself to let go of this love?

Happy Birthday is just something I simply want to say, but I guess I’m pretty much a few days late since you were born on the 29th of March. As cliche as I may sound I’ve decided to write everything I feel felt for you for the longest time. Who knows, you might stumble upon this blog of mine sometime in the future.

To be honest, I’ve tried my very best to forget about you. Constantly thinking about worthless things to get you out of my thoughts. I studied ’til my brain bled, worn myself out during training, had countless of sleepless nights watching anime and reading manga. No matter what I did, you never leave my mind.

I remember meeting you for the first time. I always thought “this guy’s out of my league, but I guess it’d be nice to befriend him”. One way or another we ended up as classmates and might I add, you had actually surprised me. I always thought you were the shy type, but boy was I wrong. You were pretty much loud, rambunctious but you got along with everyone else. We had more contact than I initially thought we would but who would’ve known I’ve fallen for you?

I’d pretty much say that I never properly told you how I felt you but what’s done is done. Hopefully this post would make up for it.

Happy Birthday, Swiss. I love loved you.

Yours truly,

Sakura

Say Something and Unconditionally

Everything hurts and I wanted to tell you so much how I feel right now but I couldn’t put it into words. Why not explain it through not one but two songs? Today, a good friend of mine (Kitty) has read my previous post “It hurts” and sent me a song that fits my situation right now. Say Something by A Great Big World featuring Christina Aguilera, but I think that’s not all. Unconditionally by Katy Perry is also another song that I could relate to right now so I’ll just go through writing stuff based on the lyrics of these two songs.

 link: Say Something

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

You’ve pushed me to my limits. I’m giving up. I would’ve followed to the end of the world.

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

You might’ve had experience, but I’m merely a child in this situation. I know nothing of what to do.

Should I continue to follow you or should I let go?

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

No matter how much I love you, I have to let go. It hurts, but you were never mine to begin with.

Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere, I would have followed you
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something

Please tell me. Say something to me. I’m giving up but I loved you and would’ve done anything for you.

link: Unconditionally

Oh no, did I get too close oh?
Oh, did I almost see what’s really on the inside?
All your insecurities
All the dirty laundry
Never made me blink one time

Did I get too close that you’re not even comfortable to stand next to me?

Were you afraid to show me what’s really inside of you? No matter how insecure or “dirty “

you are, it will never stop me from loving you.

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally

Come just as you are to me
Don’t need apologies
Know that you are unworthy
I’ll take your bad days with your good
Walk through this storm I would
I’d do it all because I love you, I love you

I love you for who you are. I don’t need your apologies for not accepting my feelings.

I don’t care what people say about you or me. I would  do anything for you because I love you, unconditionally.

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally

Don’t let fear trap you. Don’t mind me, I will love you even if you don’t want me to.

So open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart, and just let it begin
Open up your heart, and just let it begin
Open up your heart
Acceptance is the key to be
To be truly free
Will you do the same for me?

Would you let me inside your heart? Sometimes I think, would you ever accept my feelings?

I’d do anything for you but would you do the same?

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
And there is no fear now
Let go and just be free
‘Cause I will love you unconditionally (oh yeah)

I will love you
I will love you
I will love you unconditionally

No matter what happens, I will love you for who you are, unconditionally. 

It hurts

As a kid, I used to love the holidays. The presents, the food, everything. But now it feels so empty.

Recently, I’ve been telling people that I’ve given up on you. That I despise you. Honestly, as much as I want to, I didn’t mean any of that. I love you and it hurts, but giving up hurts more. I never meant to hurt you. To literally slap you in the face. I wanted to talk. To talk about why you hate me, why you mock me, make fun of me…. hurt me. But you pushed me to my limits. I was emotional and I know that wasn’t a good enough reason for my actions but that day I was talking to you, you were smiling the whole time. I was pissed and was close to tears but you were smiling. I don’t know why but my body just moved at it’s own will and slapped you right in the face. It took minutes before I realized what I’ve done and I apologized to you so many times. Regardless, it just got worse.

I thought you were the type to not bring up such a personal topic among your friends, but you proved me wrong. You blabbed it all out. The reason I talked to you, me slapping you, everything. And that was brought in the open for the whole class to know. God it was painful. To have people look at you as if you killed someone, I just had to literally slash my wrists over it.

What hurts most is that after you found out that I hurt myself, you didn’t give a damn. During the first few weeks you found out about me hurting myself, you tried to keep anything sharp away from me. A pair of scissors, a cutter.. heck I guess even a fine tipped pen if I tried. But now? I don’t even think that you’d care if I stabbed myself right in front of you. What happened to the boy I loved? The person who cared for those around him? Or was it just my own  selfish hallucinations?

Sometimes I ask myself, what if I said yes to the boy who confessed to me? What if I just gave in rather than stay faithful on someone who doesn’t even like me? Would I be happy? But hey, I’m only thinking about this now because of all the pain. I know that guy deserves more than an idiot like me.

That’s right, I’m an idiot. I love you to the point it hurts.

To know that one does not write for the other, to know that these things I am going to write will never cause me to be loved by the one I love, to know that writing compensates for nothing.

~Roland Barthes

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You know what? I’ve had it.

The times have changed… a lot. In the past, I’d tell you things straight in your face but I don’t think I can do that now.

A few months back, a classmate of mine (let’s call him Piano) told me he liked one of my friends. Of course I slightly freaked out and demanded who it was. So after going through hellish math equations to get the answer, it was apparently Kitty. As per usual, we’d talk about her but I’d only give general information such as her birthday and whatnot. Two weeks after all this, Piano confessed to Kitty. Yep, you read it right. He confessed after TWO FREAKING WEEKS of liking her.

I always thought his “like” was too shallow. I mean, who in their right mind would confess after two weeks of liking someone?! Oh right, Piano would 😐 Moving on, after the confession, I was like “Okay so he confessed. Nothing’s going to happen anyway”. After about two or three weeks of the confession, I did NOT expect to hear some news. APPARENTLY, Kitty also likes Piano. Yep, just great. Oh and guess what? I WAS THE LAST ONE TO FIND OUT AND THEY FREAKING CLAIMED THEY FORGOT TO TELL ME. After hearing that I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs “HELLO I EXIST” or have it plastered everywhere. But  whatever, Kitty said she wouldn’t get a boyfriend because she made a promise with her family and she isn’t the type to break promises. I think.

So a few weeks passed by, Piano and Kitty were under the “more than friends but less than lovers” category also known as the “mutual understanding” category made for people who can’t become lovers but fundamentally are. Everything was fine… until they started to be all touchy-feely 😐 Well not the erotic one but rather the “public display of affection” type. I mean they sit next to each other in class, since it was already fixed months ago. So when I say “P.D.A” it’s like they flirt EVERY FREAKING DAY. God I just want to cuss so badly. Or rather Piano does the flirting and Kitty does the receiving (really?). What more? I’M SEATED JUST BEHIND THEM. I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, JUST SO YOU KNOW. 

So the flirting involves: him randomly getting her stuff and not returning it, him putting his face close, him grabbing her arm when she wants to move into a new seat, him doing whatever! GOSH I JUST WANT TO… GAAAAAH! I want my everyday peace back! :((( We, yes we since I’m not the only one among our friends who are against this, tried to tell them to lay low. It worked for the first week, but the week after everything just returned to the way it was. And so we tried again…. and again….. and again……. AND AGAIN. NOTHING’S HAPPENING. I even had to go to the point where I didn’t even talk to Kitty!

We’ve tried so many ways to get them to lay low because people started to talk BUT NOOOOO, Piano just had to play the “we have our own life” card. Okay so he has a point, BUT I am a concerned citizen! I am not comfortable seeing what they do every freaking day and it hinders my concentration for studying. HA! TAKE THAT! WHAT MORE? Piano claimed I was a liar! I’m not sure if it’s true since someone just told me, but if it is, I HAVE EVIDENCE OF WHAT YOU DO EVERYDAY. SO DON’T YOU DARE SAY I’M NOT TELLING THE TRUTH.

I don’t care if either of them is reading this but I really needed to blow off some steam. It’s been going on for months now! I know I seem like a bad friend, being against their relationship and all, but I’ve tried and successfully stayed quiet. I’ve been nice for too long and we spoil Kitty too much. This might just be me being bitter about my sad love life and whatnot. Or I can be the overprotective friend, but who cares? Even if I wasn’t bitter or overprotective, people around me say things and I’m concerned about it. So whatever happens, happens. I give up trying to tell them off but that doesn’t mean I can stop being annoyed, irritated and whatnot.

This isn’t even half of what I wanted to say but I need to control myself so I’ll be leaving it at that.

P.S. Kitty and Piano, if you are reading this, I don’t give a damn anymore. So just shut up and move on with life. BUT I won’t guarantee anything.

“Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.”
~Marilyn vos Savant

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You deserve better

People tend to compliment me with my wise choice of words. They, if not always, most of the time tell me that I can express myself very clearly. That I’m so intuitive that I can give an answer with any logical question albeit almost turning it into a speech. Of course I wasn’t like this from the very beginning. I used to mumble, to trip on my own words and make so many insensible remarks.

Today, I thought I had the confidence with my words. That I could give you a clear answer but despite being labeled as someone who was good with her words, I felt like I started from the very beginning when I faced you. I kept repeating over and over again everything I’ve told you. I kept trying to find the right words but unfortunately, I wasn’t able to. I felt like I’ve betrayed myself.

I wanted to tell you more. I wanted so much to tell you more. I told myself “if I can’t pull it off the way I usually do, I’ll write”. As much as I thought that it wouldn’t be a good idea to place it here, I just had to. There’s this connection between me and this, and for some reason, I can say everything that’s on my mind here and that’s what I’m aiming for. To tell you everything that’s on my mind, even if it’s embarrassing. So for now, I’m sorry.

I remember everything. From the very first thing we’ve talked about, all the way to the last. All the laughs, the teasing, the text messages, the messages on Facebook, the calls both on the phone and on Skype, the night you went out of your way just to see me even if it’s just for a few seconds. I remember it all.

In those first few conversations we had, I always thought you just started talking to me because you were intrigued. Intrigued with the fact that I like Swiss and that you’d like to know more about it. I never thought we’d have this great of a relationship, heck I even know everything about your previous love life and attempted to help (despite failing). As time passes by, everyday seemed incomplete without receiving a text or having a chat with you. That the day seemed empty without our silly conversations. You were one of my sources of happiness.

Then that fateful day arrived, October 17th. Never in my wildest dream did I ever think that you’d feel something for me. I’ve already told you this, but hearing it for the first time made me feel completely guilty. Guilty because we started our chat the usual way- about Swiss. You were one of the people who knows how much I care for him and as far as I remember, there wouldn’t be any day in our usual chats that his name wouldn’t come up. There would always be a “did Swiss say something about me today?” or a “Swiss looks so handsome” that would randomly pop out in our conversations and that was because you were so close to him that I’d tend to say these things. Although despite being guilty, I also felt happy and confused. Happy because I realized, there was also someone out there who’d learn to love me as I am and confused because I always thought what was so great about a plain girl like me?

When I asked you the question “why me?” you simply answered “just because it’s you”. I told you I wasn’t pretty, you answered “then let me be the first to say this: you’re beautiful”. I insulted myself more and more, but you just kept countering them. You were a person who appreciated me just because I was me. Ironically enough, you put yourself down. You insulted and pitied yourself. Telling me that I don’t need to give you an answer because you already knew, and yet I answered back “let me think”. I thought of nothing but the events of what happened before going to bed and thought of an answer, the one week trial.

Thinking back, it wasn’t fair for you. It felt like I was only using you to forget Swiss, but that wasn’t my intention at all. I wanted to give you an answer from what I’ve felt and not a rash answer that wasn’t given much thought. Despite whatever I tried, I just couldn’t forget him. I’m sorry. I love you, but the “love” I have for you isn’t the same as your “love”. I guess you could call me an idiot- or better yet a masochist- because no matter how much he hurts me even if without knowing it- I will still love him. I feel so stupid for hurting you. For giving you false hope. You deserve way more than what you give yourself credit for.

Your nice and sweet. You see the good in people. You sincerely care for them to the point that you tried stopping me from hurting myself. You’ve seen me both at my best and at my worst. You even saw just how much of a brat I was as a child, but you still loved me. I feel so lucky to know that you care about me so much. Thank you.

Thank you for taking care of me. For being there for me. For always cheering me up. For making my day happy. For seeing the good in me. For cherishing me. Thank you. Most of all, thank you for loving me as I am. One day you will find that special girl. The girl who would cherish and sincerely love you. The girl who will hug you at any given chance. The girl who will stand on her toes just to kiss you. The girl you will someday marry. She just wasn’t me, but she’s out there waiting for you to find her. So go live life to the fullest and find that special girl and let me meet her soon. Just be yourself and smile. I will always be there for you.

P.S. You’re free to read what’s in my blog.

Yet again, I’m sorry for not being that girl you hoped for, but Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.

“The fact that you have failed to get the lesser proves conclusively that you deserve the greater.” 

― Christian D. Larson

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I wished it never stopped raining

Last Wednesday, my class went on a trip. Well it’s not that trip where you can just have fun or be rowdy or do whatever you want, no this trip was meant for spiritual means. By spiritual means I mean everything most of the things you talk or do in that trip is some self-evaluation and talk about your relationship with God. I’m guessing you guys are thinking “well that’s one boring trip” or something the like but in all honesty- it wasn’t.

So the trip started with the usual talks about how God is always with us and that He loves us very much to the point that He sent His only son to die on the cross just to save us from sin, a few moments later, we started with the how I like to call the “therapeutic” part where we can just release all that stress and insecurities we’ve pent-up for so long. Moving on, here’s where things get a little interesting well interesting to me. After everything was done, it was time for the “main event” or in other words, the confession. So things we’re fine and all, nothing out the ordinary, until it rained on our way to the confessional hall. Me, being the helpless idiot that I am, forgot to bring my umbrella AND didn’t have a hood for my jacket. I had no other choice but to share an umbrella.

At first, I was sharing with one of my female classmates (whom I’ll call Makoto in this case) with one of my best friends (let’s call her Annabeth since she loves Percy Jackson). So here we were walking along under the rain, then I realized we were walking right behind Swiss. He was sharing his umbrella with one of our guy classmates (since every single poor soul within the class was desperate not to get wet). Moving on, that classmate of ours went on ahead of him so eventually he was left alone, until he said “Anyone else who needs an umbrella? Come right under!” So since the three of us we’re trying to fit ourselves into a supposed two-person-umbrella, Annabeth took the chance and shared an umbrella with him. Makoto, being the gal she is, started telling Annabeth “Nooooo! Come back here and share an umbrella with me instead! Let Sakura share an umbrella with him!” *insert evil grin* (and yes I’m using my username HAHA). Unfortunately for the two, I did NOT want to exchange umbrellas with Annabeth, plus it was already too late since we were near the hall anyway, too bad for them 😛

So confessions to the priest were made then followed up by a mass. Unfortunately for us, it was STILL raining so we had no choice but to go through the heavy downpour yet again. Although the good part was there was a path, though longer, that was under a roof and it’ll bring us to our destination with only little experience with the rain. At that moment, I was walking with my other best friend (let’s call her Kitty since she loves cats). So we reached the end of the trail and, take note, I was behind Swiss yet again. Kitty had a hood on her so she planned to walk through the rain as it is, while Swiss was going to share his umbrella with another of our classmates and I planned to just charge through the rain without the a care of getting myself soaked to the bone. As I was about to charge through the rain, Kitty suddenly yelled “What kind of man are you, Swiss? Are you just going to let Sakura walk through the rain?”. Yes, she just HAD to say it. Not because she wanted to make fun of me (thank God) but simply because she didn’t want me to get sick. As much as I appreciate the effort, of all people around us, did it really have to be Swiss? Oh wait, he was the only person near us who had an umbrella *smacks head*

Carrying on, with Kitty doubting Swiss as a man, he suddenly said “Come here under the umbrella with us”. Me being a simple-minded idiot that I am, was overjoyed. Of course I didn’t show any of that on my face and we weren’t technically alone under the umbrella, but the fact that he was the one holding the umbrella made my heart skip a beat :”> Anyway, halfway to our destination, our other classmate who was sharing the umbrella with me and Swiss suddenly just left charging through the rain. So that left me and Swiss sharing an umbrella. JUST. THE. TWO. OF. US. That made get all self-conscious and everything. Okay I’m getting a bit delusional, but you know this Japanese belief (and yes I picked that up from all the anime I’ve been watching) wherein when a guy and a girl share one umbrella, it means they’re lovers ❤ As delusional and crazy that I may seem right now, I wouldn’t mind if that were true. What’s more? That wasn’t the only incident where we shared an umbrella :”> ❤ On the way back to the bus it was still raining, and I just charged through the rain using my clipboard as an umbrella until he invited me, without anyone questioning him as a man, to get under his umbrella ❤ I know that’s just him being nice, but hey, a girl can always dream.

And at those tiny moments, for once in my life I hoped that the rain would never stop ❤

“Sharing one umbrella, We have to hold each other,
Round the waist to keep together, You ask me why I’m smiling
It’s because I’m thinking, I want it to rain forever.”
― Vicki Feaver

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