Paint

Enough. I’ve had it. You know what? You’re lucky. You’re lucky that people never judged you. Because you were the “victim” and people always liked you to begin with. This happened before, but it was because of her. I was always the one to blame when a problem arises. Why? Simple, because I don’t show how affected I am. But you? Both of you did the same thing, and that was to show people how hurt you were. You’re afraid of hurting me? You know what? You’ve done nothing but that just by showing how you feel. But that’s fine. Because I am the “cause” and you are the “victim”, right?

When you said to give you some space, I did. We were strangers that time. You know what? I’d rather be a stranger to you than play this game of “friends”. To be honest, I had doubted you when you said we were “friends” because it was so obvious that you didn’t want to. Even so, I still believed we’d somehow go back to how the way things used to be. But like I once said, “it can not be”.

I envy you. When you changed because of this fiasco, people accepted it. Because you were the “victim”. Since I was the “cause”, people thought ill of me. And you know it’s been a month, a damn month now since that happened even so, people still talk about it. For example, someone’s ask.fm? And no, it’s not only yours. What more did I find out? You’ve removed me from your friends list on Facebook. One word. Coward. If you want to get away from me that much, say it in my face. Let’s be real, you hate me. No, you despise me. Like what I said, you are the “victim” and I am the “cause”. We’ve always been an opposite of each other, don’t you think?

I have my limits, and thus far, I’m pretty much ready to explode. Even if I suddenly disappear, no one would care- yes? If you’re a coward than I’m a hypocrite. Fear can be healed but not hypocrisy. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep. I’m tired of calling random people at some ungodly hour just to have someone listen to me cry. I’m tired of trying to get things back to the way it used to be.  I’m tired of pretending that I’m strong. I’m tired of how ill people think of me. I’m tired of crying while writing this. I’m tired of giving a damn. I’ll throw you back a question you’ve once asked me, “What do YOU want?”. I want to paint my world with red and have my peace, but before that, watch me turn into something else.

That thin Line

Remember those times when you were young and didn’t care about the world? Where all that mattered was to have fun? I honestly miss all that.

Even as a child, I dreamed big. I was always so forward (well that’s what people tell me) that I’d do anything to get what I want. Now I’m all grown up and stepping on that thin line that divides me from the rest of the world, it makes me wish to be a child once more. Thinking back, I suddenly feel so stupid for wanting to grow up. I wonder, could I even achieve all that?

This monster called stress haunts me to no end. I swear if I could stab it, or better yet kill it, I would’ve done it while laughing maniacally to no end. Trust me, I would. But the world doesn’t work that way. To gain something of value, you must work hard for it. I can’t whine all the time. For Pete’s sake, I’m about to be part of society! I can’t depend on others all the time. I have to be independent, I can’t be pampered all the time.

Who knows, maybe somewhere in the near (hopefully) future I can achieve all that. All I have to do is to strive do the best I could.

In my soul, I am still that small child who did not care about anything else but the beautiful colors of a rainbow.
~Papiha Ghosh

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Yet Again.

When one makes a promise, you sure as hell have to keep it.

In all these months I’ve been ranting or writing about random stuff, I honestly forgot one point to mention and it pretty much concerns the guys. Believe me, I’m no sexist. It’s just that us girls deserve way more than what guys take us for, so heads up on what I say and please don’t judge.

A few months back, I got in contact with a friend (let’s call him Kyouya) whom I haven’t talk to in years. He was someone I was quite fond of but getting in contact with him was a bit of a pain. I mean sure there are cellphones and emails and facebook or whatever form of social media that could keep us in contact but I was never one for those things in the past. I mean, we were in the same school and all, just in different grades (although we were the same age). Why bother using technology to talk to the person if he’s just right there? My phone was there for easy contact with my parents, social media just for the sake of easier contact with people I didn’t have numbers to. Call it a minor necessity if you have to.

Well that was all in the past though. I was kid, I’d prioritize going out and have fun with the kids in the neighborhood. Well enough about me. Anyways, Kyouya was the same as me- probably worse. He’d barely check or even touch his Facebook, didn’t actually think a phone would be necessary. He was someone who was hard to get in contact with. You could say that was one of the main reasons we never stayed in contact after he transferred schools in the middle of my first year in high school. I was honestly surprised when he just randomly sent me a message on Facebook just to say hi.

Sure I was happy, I mean, who wouldn’t? Kyouya was pretty much like a brother to me all those years ago and after who-knows-how-long of not staying in contact, he remembered me and sent me a message. So after catching up and exchanging cellphone numbers and all, he invited me to meet up at a nearby mall. So we planned everything out. Making sure we both had that day free and that we didn’t have any major exams and whatnot. We were constantly talking. After school, during breaks, on weekends.  He’d call every so often and we’d send each other a text if we were busy at the moment. There were barely any days we didn’t actually talk to each other. Honestly, we’d talk about everything, even the clothes we’d wear on the day we’d meet.

And thus the much awaited day came. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t a date but a friendly outing. I’m not in denial either. I liked Swiss, remember? Kyouya also had someone he likes and might I add he talks about her a lot. And if you think I’m lying, he actually has a photo of her in his wallet and we’d accidentally met her on our little trip to the mall so pretty much I was acquainted with her. Anyways, when I met up with Kyouya, he seemed like a whole different person. He was taller and called me tiny (I’m not tiny! It’s not my fault he suddenly grew, stupid hormones). His voice was deeper and he seemed much more mature than the last time I saw him. Believe me when I say mature, he was this hyperactive brat in the past, it seemed impossible that the same boy was standing right in front me at that moment  being all nice and mature and whatnot.

Okay so we didn’t know what we actually wanted to do so we ended up walking around the mall, telling each other random stories about what we missed (like we don’t do that all the time) until we settled down at a cafe. So after going through hard decisions of which cake was better, it was finally time to order.  I raised my hand to get the waiter’s attention but unfortunately nobody was noticing me, so then Kyouya being him and all did that for me and placed my order (he didn’t actually order anything since we passed by a fast food chain since he was in the mood for burgers, well that was him though). So yeah, I have to confess I was a wee bit late before we met so I let him do the one thing I didn’t want him to do near me as payment. Smoke. Yes, he smokes, unfortunately. I flipped out on him when he confessed that. I mean sure it was pretty normal for some teenagers to learn how to drink but he drinks and smokes and he does it on a regular basis, although he did defended himself and claimed it was just one stick a day or something like that. So when I got my order and started eating, he excused himself to go and talk to a friend outside the cafe while he smoked- well not before stealing some of my drink and cake.

So I guess you guys are think something along the lines of why would you claim me to be a sexist when the guy himself was quite, if not perfect, gentleman? Here’s when things got on my bad side, so after he finished doing his business he returned inside the cafe and suddenly told me he’s gonna meet up with his friends after I finish eating. Okay, wrong move bro but it’s been awhile since the last time we met so didn’t want to act all bitchy about it and said okay, besides, I was going to stay in the mall for quite some time since my dad said he’ll be picking me up. After finishing my little meal, we said our goodbyes and then he said he’ll meet up with me after a few hours (and yes, he knew that I’d be going home late). Naturally, I was alone so I had no choice but to find a way to amuse myself while I wait. Thus I went straight to the bookstore, bought a book (House of Hades by Rick Riordan) I’ve been dying to read for a while now, a mechanical pencil and a bookmark. After my purchase, I went to the most quiet part of the mall to enjoy reading the book and to past time. Several hours passed and I checked my phone once in a while but I never got a call, not even a text, from him. And it was passed the time he promise to get in contact with me too, heck it was almost time my dad said he would arrive. I went to places he would most probably be found, but then I got tired and ended up calling him. Oh guess what? He left. He left with his friends to go out and party and he never even thought of getting in contact with me. Great isn’t it? I was pissed, so incredibly pissed. It’s common etiquette to get in contact with the person you made plans with if couldn’t make it. We planned the meet up for weeks then suddenly leaves me hanging, making a fool out of myself, just because he was suddenly invited to a party. He didn’t even contact me at all the day after. Seriously?

So yeah that happened, but that’s not all. Last month I just really wanted to get out of the house so I ended up getting in contact with Kyouya and another friend (remember Annabeth? If not click here) we both knew, made plans to meet up and BAM! Here comes the day. I met up with Annabeth in the morning, went to fast food chain for lunch but then we a few more hours to kill before meeting up with Kyouya so we ended up going to Cereal’s house (don’t remember him? Click here). Then after that Kyouya called and said he’s on his way to our meet up place and so me and Annabeth said our goodbyes and went to the said place. So since Annabeth hasn’t actually seen Kyouya since he transferred schools, I let them catch up a bit while I go order some milktea. I actually had my own little revenge as well. Since I still had the grudge of being ditched the first time around, I went ahead and rubbed that in his face while he apologizes and promises he’ll spend the day with us. And thus we ended up having random conversations and so on and so forth, well set aside the fact Kyouya won’t stop talking to someone on the phone or text someone. Typical meet ups if I might say so my self. After the cafe, we went to me and Annabeth’s school since we needed something and Kyouya hasn’t seen it for years now. A peculiar call caught my attention. Kyouya was on his phone, again. Trust me, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but the conversation sounded like he was making plans, so yeah. After his call and seeing the school, he told me and Annabeth that he had to go. Thus I was ditched. Yet again. Fun isn’t it?

So ladies, don’t make the same mistake I did. If the guy ditches you, don’t give him a second chance to do it again. If he really, really wants to go out with you, as a friend or lover or whatever, make sure he wouldn’t be idiotic enough to ditch you for his other friends. Or better yet, make him beg. Well if such situation was the same for the guys, I guess you could do the same thing. Anyways I swear if another guy does this to me, that unfortunate soul is gonna get it.

One day I wanna play a guy heart …I want them to Feel how does it feel. Being ditched and taken for granted.
~Unknown

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A waste of my time

There are times when one has to make the first move to know if the other truly cares for her as much as she does.

The first time we I left, you told me you’ll get everything fixed. When we I couldn’t take it anymore, the last words I heard you say was “I swear I’ll earn you guys back”. But nothing happened.

I always thought that I did the right thing- leave before I get left behind again. You left me not once, not twice, but thriceDid you really think I’ll give you another damn chance after you left me behind so many times? Call me bitter or whatever but it always seemed like you’d never give a damn about our friendship- much less leave me behind without a second thought.

cared about you. I loved you like you were my own sister. Did you even care about me? Well considering you left me, your best friend for who knows how long, for some guy who you barely talked to or practically ignored all those years ago- I guess you didn’t. I guess this is where you can say “love is blind” huh?

Honestly, I did leave but even if I did- I still waited for you. I left thinking that you’ll figure out that I meant the opposite of every single damn thing I said. That you’ll know that I did all this for a reason. I held on that tiny piece of hope that maybe, just maybe, there’s still this part of you that screams “chase after her!”. But I was wrong. You didn’t do anything at all. It went on for months and that last piece of hope I had in me- was sure as hell mortifying.

I waited and waited and waited to the point that I look like some idiot telling everyone that I didn’t give a damn but deep inside it felt like I created my own personal hell to haunt me. I waited for so long, but I guess it was time to give up. It was time to completely let go. It was time to move on. You love him more than me, I get it. I walked away from all this pain- from you. I simply didn’t care anymore.

I remember the time you left me for some girl who happened to share the same fandom as you. You left me unknowingly and as much as it was also partly my fault for ignoring you after being unintentionally ignored, thinking back you never tried again. I remember my big sister telling me you weren’t worth it and that I should never remember your existence in my life. And so I did. I spent one whole damn year acting as if you didn’t exist- so did you. But on the bright side I found new friends. Friends to make new memories with. Friends to be happy with.

Who would have known that by the time we entered high school, you’d be back in my life and the friends I met welcomed you with open arms. Might I add my dear sister said I was so stupid to accept you with open arms once again and said “You’ll regret it for the rest of my life”. Nonetheless we had the time of our lives. We laughed, we cried, we acted crazy. It was the most fun I ever had. But then again, time wouldn’t let it last. Things went south once you found him, and mind you, I wasn’t the only one who noticed.

Months passed by and gossips were all around. People didn’t like your relationship, and if I may add, their image of you drastically changed because of it. You were once the sweet, modest and honest girl to them but now? You were nothing but a coquette, a slut if worse. The first few times I heard of it, it pained me. But the fact that I knew what actually happened, and nonetheless you said it was true, made a part of me think otherwise. Just what happened to you?

Time passes by, and here comes the end of the school year. It was practically normal, until you attempted to talk to me. “If she exerts enough effort, I might give her a chance but I won’t give her an easy time” is what I thought not ’til you brought out your little “peace offering”. Sure, bribe me out if, that’ll get us back. Wrong. As much as the intentions were sincere, that one action destroyed everything. Did you really think your “gift” would help? More like it pissed us off more.

So now as I stupidly write all this, and tell myself don’t give a damn anymore, I let boredom take over me and ended up reading up on your profile. And yes, call me a stalker all you want but who the heck cares? It seemed like you don’t care about me or any of our friends anymore. The fact that we left seemed to make you happy as well. God it hurts. I know I left, I know I brought all this upon myself. I know I deserve all of this crap, but it doesn’t change the fact that it still hurts.

I once talked to my mom about all the crap happening around me but then she told me “You know what? She’s lucky to have you. You loved her way too much- to the point that she’s like family to you” and when I protested saying that I didn’t give a damn about you anymore she said “If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be this much affected. You wouldn’t even show any emotion. I see anger, sadness and pain in your eyes every time her name is brought up” and to that I didn’t have a comeback. Maybe my mom was right. Maybe I still do care, maybe not. Maybe my sister was right, maybe I shouldn’t have let you simply waltz in my life. I would’ve been happier that way. Who knows? What’s done is done. I left before you left me anyway. One thing is what I’m sure of, yes you made a part of my life full but the fact that you were about to leave me made everything a waste of my time.

I believe there are more urgent and honorable occupations than the incomparable waste of time we call suffering.
~Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

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Happy Birthday

How long has it been since I’ve claimed that I don’t love you anymore? How long has it been since I’ve tried to give up on you? How long has it been since I kept telling myself to let go of this love?

Happy Birthday is just something I simply want to say, but I guess I’m pretty much a few days late since you were born on the 29th of March. As cliche as I may sound I’ve decided to write everything I feel felt for you for the longest time. Who knows, you might stumble upon this blog of mine sometime in the future.

To be honest, I’ve tried my very best to forget about you. Constantly thinking about worthless things to get you out of my thoughts. I studied ’til my brain bled, worn myself out during training, had countless of sleepless nights watching anime and reading manga. No matter what I did, you never leave my mind.

I remember meeting you for the first time. I always thought “this guy’s out of my league, but I guess it’d be nice to befriend him”. One way or another we ended up as classmates and might I add, you had actually surprised me. I always thought you were the shy type, but boy was I wrong. You were pretty much loud, rambunctious but you got along with everyone else. We had more contact than I initially thought we would but who would’ve known I’ve fallen for you?

I’d pretty much say that I never properly told you how I felt you but what’s done is done. Hopefully this post would make up for it.

Happy Birthday, Swiss. I love loved you.

Yours truly,

Sakura

Abandonment

“No man is an island” is how the saying goes, why? Simply because man cannot live without his peers.

I’ve lived throughout my life thinking I don’t need a lot of friends, or be popular. I just need to have real friends and just simply be me. And I’ve found them. Friends that accept me for who I am, who can handle me at worst, who would tell me everything straight to my face. Friends that I’d treasure until the day I die.

Even so, I can’t help but feel abandoned. Slowly, but surely, something’s changing. Our bonds loosened, our backs turned to one another. Imbalance, jealousy, silence. Our emotions getting the best of us. One finds happiness, changes, and the other turns her back on her and leaves. One was once inseparable from the other, but then had misunderstandings and went their separate ways. Two kept silent for the better, but then it was brought out in the open and ’caused tears to be shed. One just felt all the pain.

One has other people she cares for, the other has the happiness she shares with her lover, the other two has each other. I’m left all alone.

“I am not needed”, “I don’t exist”, “They can be happy without me”. Such thoughts clog my mind with hate and anxiety. Just what am I supposed to do? I can’t be honest anymore. Should I just keep myself in the dark and feel all this pain? Or should I make the first move?

“And what if—what are you if the people who are supposed to love you can leave you like you’re nothing?”
― Elizabeth Scott, The Unwritten Rule

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