It hurts

As a kid, I used to love the holidays. The presents, the food, everything. But now it feels so empty.

Recently, I’ve been telling people that I’ve given up on you. That I despise you. Honestly, as much as I want to, I didn’t mean any of that. I love you and it hurts, but giving up hurts more. I never meant to hurt you. To literally slap you in the face. I wanted to talk. To talk about why you hate me, why you mock me, make fun of me…. hurt me. But you pushed me to my limits. I was emotional and I know that wasn’t a good enough reason for my actions but that day I was talking to you, you were smiling the whole time. I was pissed and was close to tears but you were smiling. I don’t know why but my body just moved at it’s own will and slapped you right in the face. It took minutes before I realized what I’ve done and I apologized to you so many times. Regardless, it just got worse.

I thought you were the type to not bring up such a personal topic among your friends, but you proved me wrong. You blabbed it all out. The reason I talked to you, me slapping you, everything. And that was brought in the open for the whole class to know. God it was painful. To have people look at you as if you killed someone, I just had to literally slash my wrists over it.

What hurts most is that after you found out that I hurt myself, you didn’t give a damn. During the first few weeks you found out about me hurting myself, you tried to keep anything sharp away from me. A pair of scissors, a cutter.. heck I guess even a fine tipped pen if I tried. But now? I don’t even think that you’d care if I stabbed myself right in front of you. What happened to the boy I loved? The person who cared for those around him? Or was it just my own  selfish hallucinations?

Sometimes I ask myself, what if I said yes to the boy who confessed to me? What if I just gave in rather than stay faithful on someone who doesn’t even like me? Would I be happy? But hey, I’m only thinking about this now because of all the pain. I know that guy deserves more than an idiot like me.

That’s right, I’m an idiot. I love you to the point it hurts.

To know that one does not write for the other, to know that these things I am going to write will never cause me to be loved by the one I love, to know that writing compensates for nothing.

~Roland Barthes

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You know what? I’ve had it.

The times have changed… a lot. In the past, I’d tell you things straight in your face but I don’t think I can do that now.

A few months back, a classmate of mine (let’s call him Piano) told me he liked one of my friends. Of course I slightly freaked out and demanded who it was. So after going through hellish math equations to get the answer, it was apparently Kitty. As per usual, we’d talk about her but I’d only give general information such as her birthday and whatnot. Two weeks after all this, Piano confessed to Kitty. Yep, you read it right. He confessed after TWO FREAKING WEEKS of liking her.

I always thought his “like” was too shallow. I mean, who in their right mind would confess after two weeks of liking someone?! Oh right, Piano would 😐 Moving on, after the confession, I was like “Okay so he confessed. Nothing’s going to happen anyway”. After about two or three weeks of the confession, I did NOT expect to hear some news. APPARENTLY, Kitty also likes Piano. Yep, just great. Oh and guess what? I WAS THE LAST ONE TO FIND OUT AND THEY FREAKING CLAIMED THEY FORGOT TO TELL ME. After hearing that I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs “HELLO I EXIST” or have it plastered everywhere. But  whatever, Kitty said she wouldn’t get a boyfriend because she made a promise with her family and she isn’t the type to break promises. I think.

So a few weeks passed by, Piano and Kitty were under the “more than friends but less than lovers” category also known as the “mutual understanding” category made for people who can’t become lovers but fundamentally are. Everything was fine… until they started to be all touchy-feely 😐 Well not the erotic one but rather the “public display of affection” type. I mean they sit next to each other in class, since it was already fixed months ago. So when I say “P.D.A” it’s like they flirt EVERY FREAKING DAY. God I just want to cuss so badly. Or rather Piano does the flirting and Kitty does the receiving (really?). What more? I’M SEATED JUST BEHIND THEM. I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, JUST SO YOU KNOW. 

So the flirting involves: him randomly getting her stuff and not returning it, him putting his face close, him grabbing her arm when she wants to move into a new seat, him doing whatever! GOSH I JUST WANT TO… GAAAAAH! I want my everyday peace back! :((( We, yes we since I’m not the only one among our friends who are against this, tried to tell them to lay low. It worked for the first week, but the week after everything just returned to the way it was. And so we tried again…. and again….. and again……. AND AGAIN. NOTHING’S HAPPENING. I even had to go to the point where I didn’t even talk to Kitty!

We’ve tried so many ways to get them to lay low because people started to talk BUT NOOOOO, Piano just had to play the “we have our own life” card. Okay so he has a point, BUT I am a concerned citizen! I am not comfortable seeing what they do every freaking day and it hinders my concentration for studying. HA! TAKE THAT! WHAT MORE? Piano claimed I was a liar! I’m not sure if it’s true since someone just told me, but if it is, I HAVE EVIDENCE OF WHAT YOU DO EVERYDAY. SO DON’T YOU DARE SAY I’M NOT TELLING THE TRUTH.

I don’t care if either of them is reading this but I really needed to blow off some steam. It’s been going on for months now! I know I seem like a bad friend, being against their relationship and all, but I’ve tried and successfully stayed quiet. I’ve been nice for too long and we spoil Kitty too much. This might just be me being bitter about my sad love life and whatnot. Or I can be the overprotective friend, but who cares? Even if I wasn’t bitter or overprotective, people around me say things and I’m concerned about it. So whatever happens, happens. I give up trying to tell them off but that doesn’t mean I can stop being annoyed, irritated and whatnot.

This isn’t even half of what I wanted to say but I need to control myself so I’ll be leaving it at that.

P.S. Kitty and Piano, if you are reading this, I don’t give a damn anymore. So just shut up and move on with life. BUT I won’t guarantee anything.

“Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.”
~Marilyn vos Savant

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