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Enough. I’ve had it. You know what? You’re lucky. You’re lucky that people never judged you. Because you were the “victim” and people always liked you to begin with. This happened before, but it was because of her. I was always the one to blame when a problem arises. Why? Simple, because I don’t show how affected I am. But you? Both of you did the same thing, and that was to show people how hurt you were. You’re afraid of hurting me? You know what? You’ve done nothing but that just by showing how you feel. But that’s fine. Because I am the “cause” and you are the “victim”, right?

When you said to give you some space, I did. We were strangers that time. You know what? I’d rather be a stranger to you than play this game of “friends”. To be honest, I had doubted you when you said we were “friends” because it was so obvious that you didn’t want to. Even so, I still believed we’d somehow go back to how the way things used to be. But like I once said, “it can not be”.

I envy you. When you changed because of this fiasco, people accepted it. Because you were the “victim”. Since I was the “cause”, people thought ill of me. And you know it’s been a month, a damn month now since that happened even so, people still talk about it. For example, someone’s ask.fm? And no, it’s not only yours. What more did I find out? You’ve removed me from your friends list on Facebook. One word. Coward. If you want to get away from me that much, say it in my face. Let’s be real, you hate me. No, you despise me. Like what I said, you are the “victim” and I am the “cause”. We’ve always been an opposite of each other, don’t you think?

I have my limits, and thus far, I’m pretty much ready to explode. Even if I suddenly disappear, no one would care- yes? If you’re a coward than I’m a hypocrite. Fear can be healed but not hypocrisy. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep. I’m tired of calling random people at some ungodly hour just to have someone listen to me cry. I’m tired of trying to get things back to the way it used to be.  I’m tired of pretending that I’m strong. I’m tired of how ill people think of me. I’m tired of crying while writing this. I’m tired of giving a damn. I’ll throw you back a question you’ve once asked me, “What do YOU want?”. I want to paint my world with red and have my peace, but before that, watch me turn into something else.

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A waste of my time

There are times when one has to make the first move to know if the other truly cares for her as much as she does.

The first time we I left, you told me you’ll get everything fixed. When we I couldn’t take it anymore, the last words I heard you say was “I swear I’ll earn you guys back”. But nothing happened.

I always thought that I did the right thing- leave before I get left behind again. You left me not once, not twice, but thriceDid you really think I’ll give you another damn chance after you left me behind so many times? Call me bitter or whatever but it always seemed like you’d never give a damn about our friendship- much less leave me behind without a second thought.

cared about you. I loved you like you were my own sister. Did you even care about me? Well considering you left me, your best friend for who knows how long, for some guy who you barely talked to or practically ignored all those years ago- I guess you didn’t. I guess this is where you can say “love is blind” huh?

Honestly, I did leave but even if I did- I still waited for you. I left thinking that you’ll figure out that I meant the opposite of every single damn thing I said. That you’ll know that I did all this for a reason. I held on that tiny piece of hope that maybe, just maybe, there’s still this part of you that screams “chase after her!”. But I was wrong. You didn’t do anything at all. It went on for months and that last piece of hope I had in me- was sure as hell mortifying.

I waited and waited and waited to the point that I look like some idiot telling everyone that I didn’t give a damn but deep inside it felt like I created my own personal hell to haunt me. I waited for so long, but I guess it was time to give up. It was time to completely let go. It was time to move on. You love him more than me, I get it. I walked away from all this pain- from you. I simply didn’t care anymore.

I remember the time you left me for some girl who happened to share the same fandom as you. You left me unknowingly and as much as it was also partly my fault for ignoring you after being unintentionally ignored, thinking back you never tried again. I remember my big sister telling me you weren’t worth it and that I should never remember your existence in my life. And so I did. I spent one whole damn year acting as if you didn’t exist- so did you. But on the bright side I found new friends. Friends to make new memories with. Friends to be happy with.

Who would have known that by the time we entered high school, you’d be back in my life and the friends I met welcomed you with open arms. Might I add my dear sister said I was so stupid to accept you with open arms once again and said “You’ll regret it for the rest of my life”. Nonetheless we had the time of our lives. We laughed, we cried, we acted crazy. It was the most fun I ever had. But then again, time wouldn’t let it last. Things went south once you found him, and mind you, I wasn’t the only one who noticed.

Months passed by and gossips were all around. People didn’t like your relationship, and if I may add, their image of you drastically changed because of it. You were once the sweet, modest and honest girl to them but now? You were nothing but a coquette, a slut if worse. The first few times I heard of it, it pained me. But the fact that I knew what actually happened, and nonetheless you said it was true, made a part of me think otherwise. Just what happened to you?

Time passes by, and here comes the end of the school year. It was practically normal, until you attempted to talk to me. “If she exerts enough effort, I might give her a chance but I won’t give her an easy time” is what I thought not ’til you brought out your little “peace offering”. Sure, bribe me out if, that’ll get us back. Wrong. As much as the intentions were sincere, that one action destroyed everything. Did you really think your “gift” would help? More like it pissed us off more.

So now as I stupidly write all this, and tell myself don’t give a damn anymore, I let boredom take over me and ended up reading up on your profile. And yes, call me a stalker all you want but who the heck cares? It seemed like you don’t care about me or any of our friends anymore. The fact that we left seemed to make you happy as well. God it hurts. I know I left, I know I brought all this upon myself. I know I deserve all of this crap, but it doesn’t change the fact that it still hurts.

I once talked to my mom about all the crap happening around me but then she told me “You know what? She’s lucky to have you. You loved her way too much- to the point that she’s like family to you” and when I protested saying that I didn’t give a damn about you anymore she said “If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be this much affected. You wouldn’t even show any emotion. I see anger, sadness and pain in your eyes every time her name is brought up” and to that I didn’t have a comeback. Maybe my mom was right. Maybe I still do care, maybe not. Maybe my sister was right, maybe I shouldn’t have let you simply waltz in my life. I would’ve been happier that way. Who knows? What’s done is done. I left before you left me anyway. One thing is what I’m sure of, yes you made a part of my life full but the fact that you were about to leave me made everything a waste of my time.

I believe there are more urgent and honorable occupations than the incomparable waste of time we call suffering.
~Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

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Abandonment

“No man is an island” is how the saying goes, why? Simply because man cannot live without his peers.

I’ve lived throughout my life thinking I don’t need a lot of friends, or be popular. I just need to have real friends and just simply be me. And I’ve found them. Friends that accept me for who I am, who can handle me at worst, who would tell me everything straight to my face. Friends that I’d treasure until the day I die.

Even so, I can’t help but feel abandoned. Slowly, but surely, something’s changing. Our bonds loosened, our backs turned to one another. Imbalance, jealousy, silence. Our emotions getting the best of us. One finds happiness, changes, and the other turns her back on her and leaves. One was once inseparable from the other, but then had misunderstandings and went their separate ways. Two kept silent for the better, but then it was brought out in the open and ’caused tears to be shed. One just felt all the pain.

One has other people she cares for, the other has the happiness she shares with her lover, the other two has each other. I’m left all alone.

“I am not needed”, “I don’t exist”, “They can be happy without me”. Such thoughts clog my mind with hate and anxiety. Just what am I supposed to do? I can’t be honest anymore. Should I just keep myself in the dark and feel all this pain? Or should I make the first move?

“And what if—what are you if the people who are supposed to love you can leave you like you’re nothing?”
― Elizabeth Scott, The Unwritten Rule

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You know what? I’ve had it.

The times have changed… a lot. In the past, I’d tell you things straight in your face but I don’t think I can do that now.

A few months back, a classmate of mine (let’s call him Piano) told me he liked one of my friends. Of course I slightly freaked out and demanded who it was. So after going through hellish math equations to get the answer, it was apparently Kitty. As per usual, we’d talk about her but I’d only give general information such as her birthday and whatnot. Two weeks after all this, Piano confessed to Kitty. Yep, you read it right. He confessed after TWO FREAKING WEEKS of liking her.

I always thought his “like” was too shallow. I mean, who in their right mind would confess after two weeks of liking someone?! Oh right, Piano would 😐 Moving on, after the confession, I was like “Okay so he confessed. Nothing’s going to happen anyway”. After about two or three weeks of the confession, I did NOT expect to hear some news. APPARENTLY, Kitty also likes Piano. Yep, just great. Oh and guess what? I WAS THE LAST ONE TO FIND OUT AND THEY FREAKING CLAIMED THEY FORGOT TO TELL ME. After hearing that I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs “HELLO I EXIST” or have it plastered everywhere. But  whatever, Kitty said she wouldn’t get a boyfriend because she made a promise with her family and she isn’t the type to break promises. I think.

So a few weeks passed by, Piano and Kitty were under the “more than friends but less than lovers” category also known as the “mutual understanding” category made for people who can’t become lovers but fundamentally are. Everything was fine… until they started to be all touchy-feely 😐 Well not the erotic one but rather the “public display of affection” type. I mean they sit next to each other in class, since it was already fixed months ago. So when I say “P.D.A” it’s like they flirt EVERY FREAKING DAY. God I just want to cuss so badly. Or rather Piano does the flirting and Kitty does the receiving (really?). What more? I’M SEATED JUST BEHIND THEM. I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, JUST SO YOU KNOW. 

So the flirting involves: him randomly getting her stuff and not returning it, him putting his face close, him grabbing her arm when she wants to move into a new seat, him doing whatever! GOSH I JUST WANT TO… GAAAAAH! I want my everyday peace back! :((( We, yes we since I’m not the only one among our friends who are against this, tried to tell them to lay low. It worked for the first week, but the week after everything just returned to the way it was. And so we tried again…. and again….. and again……. AND AGAIN. NOTHING’S HAPPENING. I even had to go to the point where I didn’t even talk to Kitty!

We’ve tried so many ways to get them to lay low because people started to talk BUT NOOOOO, Piano just had to play the “we have our own life” card. Okay so he has a point, BUT I am a concerned citizen! I am not comfortable seeing what they do every freaking day and it hinders my concentration for studying. HA! TAKE THAT! WHAT MORE? Piano claimed I was a liar! I’m not sure if it’s true since someone just told me, but if it is, I HAVE EVIDENCE OF WHAT YOU DO EVERYDAY. SO DON’T YOU DARE SAY I’M NOT TELLING THE TRUTH.

I don’t care if either of them is reading this but I really needed to blow off some steam. It’s been going on for months now! I know I seem like a bad friend, being against their relationship and all, but I’ve tried and successfully stayed quiet. I’ve been nice for too long and we spoil Kitty too much. This might just be me being bitter about my sad love life and whatnot. Or I can be the overprotective friend, but who cares? Even if I wasn’t bitter or overprotective, people around me say things and I’m concerned about it. So whatever happens, happens. I give up trying to tell them off but that doesn’t mean I can stop being annoyed, irritated and whatnot.

This isn’t even half of what I wanted to say but I need to control myself so I’ll be leaving it at that.

P.S. Kitty and Piano, if you are reading this, I don’t give a damn anymore. So just shut up and move on with life. BUT I won’t guarantee anything.

“Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.”
~Marilyn vos Savant

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You deserve better

People tend to compliment me with my wise choice of words. They, if not always, most of the time tell me that I can express myself very clearly. That I’m so intuitive that I can give an answer with any logical question albeit almost turning it into a speech. Of course I wasn’t like this from the very beginning. I used to mumble, to trip on my own words and make so many insensible remarks.

Today, I thought I had the confidence with my words. That I could give you a clear answer but despite being labeled as someone who was good with her words, I felt like I started from the very beginning when I faced you. I kept repeating over and over again everything I’ve told you. I kept trying to find the right words but unfortunately, I wasn’t able to. I felt like I’ve betrayed myself.

I wanted to tell you more. I wanted so much to tell you more. I told myself “if I can’t pull it off the way I usually do, I’ll write”. As much as I thought that it wouldn’t be a good idea to place it here, I just had to. There’s this connection between me and this, and for some reason, I can say everything that’s on my mind here and that’s what I’m aiming for. To tell you everything that’s on my mind, even if it’s embarrassing. So for now, I’m sorry.

I remember everything. From the very first thing we’ve talked about, all the way to the last. All the laughs, the teasing, the text messages, the messages on Facebook, the calls both on the phone and on Skype, the night you went out of your way just to see me even if it’s just for a few seconds. I remember it all.

In those first few conversations we had, I always thought you just started talking to me because you were intrigued. Intrigued with the fact that I like Swiss and that you’d like to know more about it. I never thought we’d have this great of a relationship, heck I even know everything about your previous love life and attempted to help (despite failing). As time passes by, everyday seemed incomplete without receiving a text or having a chat with you. That the day seemed empty without our silly conversations. You were one of my sources of happiness.

Then that fateful day arrived, October 17th. Never in my wildest dream did I ever think that you’d feel something for me. I’ve already told you this, but hearing it for the first time made me feel completely guilty. Guilty because we started our chat the usual way- about Swiss. You were one of the people who knows how much I care for him and as far as I remember, there wouldn’t be any day in our usual chats that his name wouldn’t come up. There would always be a “did Swiss say something about me today?” or a “Swiss looks so handsome” that would randomly pop out in our conversations and that was because you were so close to him that I’d tend to say these things. Although despite being guilty, I also felt happy and confused. Happy because I realized, there was also someone out there who’d learn to love me as I am and confused because I always thought what was so great about a plain girl like me?

When I asked you the question “why me?” you simply answered “just because it’s you”. I told you I wasn’t pretty, you answered “then let me be the first to say this: you’re beautiful”. I insulted myself more and more, but you just kept countering them. You were a person who appreciated me just because I was me. Ironically enough, you put yourself down. You insulted and pitied yourself. Telling me that I don’t need to give you an answer because you already knew, and yet I answered back “let me think”. I thought of nothing but the events of what happened before going to bed and thought of an answer, the one week trial.

Thinking back, it wasn’t fair for you. It felt like I was only using you to forget Swiss, but that wasn’t my intention at all. I wanted to give you an answer from what I’ve felt and not a rash answer that wasn’t given much thought. Despite whatever I tried, I just couldn’t forget him. I’m sorry. I love you, but the “love” I have for you isn’t the same as your “love”. I guess you could call me an idiot- or better yet a masochist- because no matter how much he hurts me even if without knowing it- I will still love him. I feel so stupid for hurting you. For giving you false hope. You deserve way more than what you give yourself credit for.

Your nice and sweet. You see the good in people. You sincerely care for them to the point that you tried stopping me from hurting myself. You’ve seen me both at my best and at my worst. You even saw just how much of a brat I was as a child, but you still loved me. I feel so lucky to know that you care about me so much. Thank you.

Thank you for taking care of me. For being there for me. For always cheering me up. For making my day happy. For seeing the good in me. For cherishing me. Thank you. Most of all, thank you for loving me as I am. One day you will find that special girl. The girl who would cherish and sincerely love you. The girl who will hug you at any given chance. The girl who will stand on her toes just to kiss you. The girl you will someday marry. She just wasn’t me, but she’s out there waiting for you to find her. So go live life to the fullest and find that special girl and let me meet her soon. Just be yourself and smile. I will always be there for you.

P.S. You’re free to read what’s in my blog.

Yet again, I’m sorry for not being that girl you hoped for, but Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.

“The fact that you have failed to get the lesser proves conclusively that you deserve the greater.” 

― Christian D. Larson

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Why can’t you see just how important you are to me?

When you say the word “friends” what comes to mind? If you’d consult a dictionary, it’d say “A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.”  despite that, I’d say a friend is someone whom you trust and have confidence in. Someone who understands you more than yourself.

People tend to think a guy and girl can’t become best friends because it’ll most probably end up into a romantic relationship but think again. Although it’d be great to fall in love with your guy best friend since it’d be cute and romantic and whatnot, there are times when falling in love with him isn’t the best option out there. Like say, he knows you all to well and it’ll just remove that sense of surprise with dates and everything or you wouldn’t feel like your actually dating because how you treat each other barely change.

I have this best friend (let’s call him Koi), a guy to be precise, whom I’ve known for the longest time. We met in our 1st grade but started off with the relationship of cats and dogs but after around year, we ended up being together almost all the time. We were always always together, to the point while growing up- our batch mates thought we liked each other or were dating so we always ended up denying it whenever somebody brought it up.

Though it may be true that Koi liked me in a romantic way during first grade, I never ever thought of him in the same way. Ever. I mean we were kids! We were naive, gullible and innocent. We’d make the smallest mistakes and cry over them. There was I time a tried liking him and if I’m not mistaken, it was during our 6th grade. I hopelessly liked this guy (let’s call him Combos) but ended up being made fun of, so another (girl) friend of mine suggested the “like-somebody-else-so-you-can-forget” method. I tried thinking of certain people and somehow, Koi came to mind. Anyway, that went on for almost a month but no matter how hard I try, I just couldn’t like him that way. All I could think of is that he’s my big brother and being together with him, romantically speaking, would feel like incest. Besides, he liked someone else at that time.

So the years pass by and here we are at the present. We’re still together and people STILL think we were or are dating and whatnot, and yes we- or rather I- still bother denying it. Of course my group of friends composed of him and a lot more grade school and freshmen year during high school pals. Despite being together, sometimes I feel like he’s drifting further away from me. He doesn’t trust me like he used to and tells his secrets to another friend of ours (whom he met through me during our grade school years). No matter how hard I try he wouldn’t budge and tell me.

Moving on, one of the bad habits of Koi is punching me. I mean not the fake punch on the shoulder but the literal manly punch. As kids, it was fine. It was normal for children to punch or kick each other but for crying out loud our bodies isn’t like how it used to be! If we were still kids, I’d be able to keep up but now? Does he seriously expect me to keep up with his puberty-affected body? He was always strong in the past and now he’s waaay stronger. What’s more? I’m the only person he does that to. Great, isn’t it? Another addition, his body was ALWAYS numb so he rarely felt any physical pain. So if ever you think of punching him, don’t forget to bring some bandage so you can mend your injuries after trying so much.

Setting that aside, we are currently in a fight. Why? It’s simple. I’m sick of him not treating me like a girl. I mean, I know we’re close and I’m currently overreacting and all but that doesn’t give him an excuse to actually hit me. What else? He does it just to grab my attention. Who in their right mind would actually punch a girl just to get her attention? A normal person would just give a tap on the shoulder or if it had to be a punch, it’d be that friendly punch on the shoulder! Not the full-strength-to-the-point-I’m-bruised type!

What else is there? Oooh that’s right! He thinks I take him for GRANTEDWho on Earth would put up with someone who punches them to the point that they’re bruised and take them for granted?! I greet him THREE times every year during his birthday while he almost FORGETS mine! It was MY idea to hang-out with him and another friend when they almost left the country to study abroad! I was ALWAYS there for him when he needed me the most! How on Earth did he come up with the idea that I don’t give a damn about him! He’s my best friend. He knows me better than I know myself. We were always together. So why can’t you see just how important you really are to me?

Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.
~Albert Camus

 

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