Yet Again.

When one makes a promise, you sure as hell have to keep it.

In all these months I’ve been ranting or writing about random stuff, I honestly forgot one point to mention and it pretty much concerns the guys. Believe me, I’m no sexist. It’s just that us girls deserve way more than what guys take us for, so heads up on what I say and please don’t judge.

A few months back, I got in contact with a friend (let’s call him Kyouya) whom I haven’t talk to in years. He was someone I was quite fond of but getting in contact with him was a bit of a pain. I mean sure there are cellphones and emails and facebook or whatever form of social media that could keep us in contact but I was never one for those things in the past. I mean, we were in the same school and all, just in different grades (although we were the same age). Why bother using technology to talk to the person if he’s just right there? My phone was there for easy contact with my parents, social media just for the sake of easier contact with people I didn’t have numbers to. Call it a minor necessity if you have to.

Well that was all in the past though. I was kid, I’d prioritize going out and have fun with the kids in the neighborhood. Well enough about me. Anyways, Kyouya was the same as me- probably worse. He’d barely check or even touch his Facebook, didn’t actually think a phone would be necessary. He was someone who was hard to get in contact with. You could say that was one of the main reasons we never stayed in contact after he transferred schools in the middle of my first year in high school. I was honestly surprised when he just randomly sent me a message on Facebook just to say hi.

Sure I was happy, I mean, who wouldn’t? Kyouya was pretty much like a brother to me all those years ago and after who-knows-how-long of not staying in contact, he remembered me and sent me a message. So after catching up and exchanging cellphone numbers and all, he invited me to meet up at a nearby mall. So we planned everything out. Making sure we both had that day free and that we didn’t have any major exams and whatnot. We were constantly talking. After school, during breaks, on weekends.  He’d call every so often and we’d send each other a text if we were busy at the moment. There were barely any days we didn’t actually talk to each other. Honestly, we’d talk about everything, even the clothes we’d wear on the day we’d meet.

And thus the much awaited day came. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t a date but a friendly outing. I’m not in denial either. I liked Swiss, remember? Kyouya also had someone he likes and might I add he talks about her a lot. And if you think I’m lying, he actually has a photo of her in his wallet and we’d accidentally met her on our little trip to the mall so pretty much I was acquainted with her. Anyways, when I met up with Kyouya, he seemed like a whole different person. He was taller and called me tiny (I’m not tiny! It’s not my fault he suddenly grew, stupid hormones). His voice was deeper and he seemed much more mature than the last time I saw him. Believe me when I say mature, he was this hyperactive brat in the past, it seemed impossible that the same boy was standing right in front me at that moment  being all nice and mature and whatnot.

Okay so we didn’t know what we actually wanted to do so we ended up walking around the mall, telling each other random stories about what we missed (like we don’t do that all the time) until we settled down at a cafe. So after going through hard decisions of which cake was better, it was finally time to order.  I raised my hand to get the waiter’s attention but unfortunately nobody was noticing me, so then Kyouya being him and all did that for me and placed my order (he didn’t actually order anything since we passed by a fast food chain since he was in the mood for burgers, well that was him though). So yeah, I have to confess I was a wee bit late before we met so I let him do the one thing I didn’t want him to do near me as payment. Smoke. Yes, he smokes, unfortunately. I flipped out on him when he confessed that. I mean sure it was pretty normal for some teenagers to learn how to drink but he drinks and smokes and he does it on a regular basis, although he did defended himself and claimed it was just one stick a day or something like that. So when I got my order and started eating, he excused himself to go and talk to a friend outside the cafe while he smoked- well not before stealing some of my drink and cake.

So I guess you guys are think something along the lines of why would you claim me to be a sexist when the guy himself was quite, if not perfect, gentleman? Here’s when things got on my bad side, so after he finished doing his business he returned inside the cafe and suddenly told me he’s gonna meet up with his friends after I finish eating. Okay, wrong move bro but it’s been awhile since the last time we met so didn’t want to act all bitchy about it and said okay, besides, I was going to stay in the mall for quite some time since my dad said he’ll be picking me up. After finishing my little meal, we said our goodbyes and then he said he’ll meet up with me after a few hours (and yes, he knew that I’d be going home late). Naturally, I was alone so I had no choice but to find a way to amuse myself while I wait. Thus I went straight to the bookstore, bought a book (House of Hades by Rick Riordan) I’ve been dying to read for a while now, a mechanical pencil and a bookmark. After my purchase, I went to the most quiet part of the mall to enjoy reading the book and to past time. Several hours passed and I checked my phone once in a while but I never got a call, not even a text, from him. And it was passed the time he promise to get in contact with me too, heck it was almost time my dad said he would arrive. I went to places he would most probably be found, but then I got tired and ended up calling him. Oh guess what? He left. He left with his friends to go out and party and he never even thought of getting in contact with me. Great isn’t it? I was pissed, so incredibly pissed. It’s common etiquette to get in contact with the person you made plans with if couldn’t make it. We planned the meet up for weeks then suddenly leaves me hanging, making a fool out of myself, just because he was suddenly invited to a party. He didn’t even contact me at all the day after. Seriously?

So yeah that happened, but that’s not all. Last month I just really wanted to get out of the house so I ended up getting in contact with Kyouya and another friend (remember Annabeth? If not click here) we both knew, made plans to meet up and BAM! Here comes the day. I met up with Annabeth in the morning, went to fast food chain for lunch but then we a few more hours to kill before meeting up with Kyouya so we ended up going to Cereal’s house (don’t remember him? Click here). Then after that Kyouya called and said he’s on his way to our meet up place and so me and Annabeth said our goodbyes and went to the said place. So since Annabeth hasn’t actually seen Kyouya since he transferred schools, I let them catch up a bit while I go order some milktea. I actually had my own little revenge as well. Since I still had the grudge of being ditched the first time around, I went ahead and rubbed that in his face while he apologizes and promises he’ll spend the day with us. And thus we ended up having random conversations and so on and so forth, well set aside the fact Kyouya won’t stop talking to someone on the phone or text someone. Typical meet ups if I might say so my self. After the cafe, we went to me and Annabeth’s school since we needed something and Kyouya hasn’t seen it for years now. A peculiar call caught my attention. Kyouya was on his phone, again. Trust me, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but the conversation sounded like he was making plans, so yeah. After his call and seeing the school, he told me and Annabeth that he had to go. Thus I was ditched. Yet again. Fun isn’t it?

So ladies, don’t make the same mistake I did. If the guy ditches you, don’t give him a second chance to do it again. If he really, really wants to go out with you, as a friend or lover or whatever, make sure he wouldn’t be idiotic enough to ditch you for his other friends. Or better yet, make him beg. Well if such situation was the same for the guys, I guess you could do the same thing. Anyways I swear if another guy does this to me, that unfortunate soul is gonna get it.

One day I wanna play a guy heart …I want them to Feel how does it feel. Being ditched and taken for granted.
~Unknown

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Abandonment

“No man is an island” is how the saying goes, why? Simply because man cannot live without his peers.

I’ve lived throughout my life thinking I don’t need a lot of friends, or be popular. I just need to have real friends and just simply be me. And I’ve found them. Friends that accept me for who I am, who can handle me at worst, who would tell me everything straight to my face. Friends that I’d treasure until the day I die.

Even so, I can’t help but feel abandoned. Slowly, but surely, something’s changing. Our bonds loosened, our backs turned to one another. Imbalance, jealousy, silence. Our emotions getting the best of us. One finds happiness, changes, and the other turns her back on her and leaves. One was once inseparable from the other, but then had misunderstandings and went their separate ways. Two kept silent for the better, but then it was brought out in the open and ’caused tears to be shed. One just felt all the pain.

One has other people she cares for, the other has the happiness she shares with her lover, the other two has each other. I’m left all alone.

“I am not needed”, “I don’t exist”, “They can be happy without me”. Such thoughts clog my mind with hate and anxiety. Just what am I supposed to do? I can’t be honest anymore. Should I just keep myself in the dark and feel all this pain? Or should I make the first move?

“And what if—what are you if the people who are supposed to love you can leave you like you’re nothing?”
― Elizabeth Scott, The Unwritten Rule

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You know what? I’ve had it.

The times have changed… a lot. In the past, I’d tell you things straight in your face but I don’t think I can do that now.

A few months back, a classmate of mine (let’s call him Piano) told me he liked one of my friends. Of course I slightly freaked out and demanded who it was. So after going through hellish math equations to get the answer, it was apparently Kitty. As per usual, we’d talk about her but I’d only give general information such as her birthday and whatnot. Two weeks after all this, Piano confessed to Kitty. Yep, you read it right. He confessed after TWO FREAKING WEEKS of liking her.

I always thought his “like” was too shallow. I mean, who in their right mind would confess after two weeks of liking someone?! Oh right, Piano would 😐 Moving on, after the confession, I was like “Okay so he confessed. Nothing’s going to happen anyway”. After about two or three weeks of the confession, I did NOT expect to hear some news. APPARENTLY, Kitty also likes Piano. Yep, just great. Oh and guess what? I WAS THE LAST ONE TO FIND OUT AND THEY FREAKING CLAIMED THEY FORGOT TO TELL ME. After hearing that I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs “HELLO I EXIST” or have it plastered everywhere. But  whatever, Kitty said she wouldn’t get a boyfriend because she made a promise with her family and she isn’t the type to break promises. I think.

So a few weeks passed by, Piano and Kitty were under the “more than friends but less than lovers” category also known as the “mutual understanding” category made for people who can’t become lovers but fundamentally are. Everything was fine… until they started to be all touchy-feely 😐 Well not the erotic one but rather the “public display of affection” type. I mean they sit next to each other in class, since it was already fixed months ago. So when I say “P.D.A” it’s like they flirt EVERY FREAKING DAY. God I just want to cuss so badly. Or rather Piano does the flirting and Kitty does the receiving (really?). What more? I’M SEATED JUST BEHIND THEM. I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, JUST SO YOU KNOW. 

So the flirting involves: him randomly getting her stuff and not returning it, him putting his face close, him grabbing her arm when she wants to move into a new seat, him doing whatever! GOSH I JUST WANT TO… GAAAAAH! I want my everyday peace back! :((( We, yes we since I’m not the only one among our friends who are against this, tried to tell them to lay low. It worked for the first week, but the week after everything just returned to the way it was. And so we tried again…. and again….. and again……. AND AGAIN. NOTHING’S HAPPENING. I even had to go to the point where I didn’t even talk to Kitty!

We’ve tried so many ways to get them to lay low because people started to talk BUT NOOOOO, Piano just had to play the “we have our own life” card. Okay so he has a point, BUT I am a concerned citizen! I am not comfortable seeing what they do every freaking day and it hinders my concentration for studying. HA! TAKE THAT! WHAT MORE? Piano claimed I was a liar! I’m not sure if it’s true since someone just told me, but if it is, I HAVE EVIDENCE OF WHAT YOU DO EVERYDAY. SO DON’T YOU DARE SAY I’M NOT TELLING THE TRUTH.

I don’t care if either of them is reading this but I really needed to blow off some steam. It’s been going on for months now! I know I seem like a bad friend, being against their relationship and all, but I’ve tried and successfully stayed quiet. I’ve been nice for too long and we spoil Kitty too much. This might just be me being bitter about my sad love life and whatnot. Or I can be the overprotective friend, but who cares? Even if I wasn’t bitter or overprotective, people around me say things and I’m concerned about it. So whatever happens, happens. I give up trying to tell them off but that doesn’t mean I can stop being annoyed, irritated and whatnot.

This isn’t even half of what I wanted to say but I need to control myself so I’ll be leaving it at that.

P.S. Kitty and Piano, if you are reading this, I don’t give a damn anymore. So just shut up and move on with life. BUT I won’t guarantee anything.

“Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.”
~Marilyn vos Savant

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Towa no Kizuna (Everlasting Bond)

Today, I spent the weekend the usual way I do: watch anime, read manga and fanfiction. So while I was watching a certain anime called Ore to Kanojo to Osananajimi ga Shuraba Sugiru, or just simply Oreshura, there was a certain scene that caught my interest. It was a fight between two childhood friends. Apparently, the girl named Chiwa loved her childhood friend Eita since they were young, but Eita was too thickheaded to even realize her feelings. A line he mentioned reminded me so much about Koi.

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Just like Eita and Chiwa, I’ve been together with Koi since first grade and up until now, nothing’s change about the situation between the two of us. Don’t get me wrong, unlike Chiwa, I don’t see Koi as a romantic interest but seeing these two characters fight made me miss him so much. I know I’m at fault but as much as it hurts, I’ll still go through this for him to realize that we’re not kids anymore. That there’s still a difference between him and I.

I’m saying all this but I’m almost breaking. I’m pathetic, aren’t I? I’m too afraid of the outcome. Afraid that he’d grow tired, give up and leave me. Well he does deserve a better friend than someone like me. Me, a hot-tempered, idiotic brat. Despite what’s happening and whatever outcome I’ll get, I’ll always believe that we’ll have an everlasting bond.

For that, I dedicate the lyrics of one of my favorite openings from the anime Fairy Tail called Towa no Kizuna or Everlasting Bond in English by DaisyxDaisy feat. Another Infinity to him.

link: Towa no Kizuna (Everlasting Bond)

Kimi ga kureta towa no KIZUNA wo
Omoide ni nante dekiru WAKE nai
Yasashisa wo kimi wa kuretakara
“Tsuyosa” ni kizuketanda Arigatou

There’s no way for me to make into a piece of my recollections
the everlasting bond you have given me.
Because you have given me gentleness,
I have become aware of what “strength” is. Thank you.

Kanchigai shita kiyousa hokotte
Yasashisa shiranu Marude ookami sa

I used to boast my falsely perceived greatness.
Knowing not the meaning of gentleness, I was almost like a wolf.

Kimi ga ude wo tsukande kureta hi ga
Ikiru imi wo eta shunkan datta

The day you took hold of my arms was
the moment when I obtained the meaning of my life.

Utagau sentakushi nai Nakama ga
Koko ni iru kara

I now have a dear friend here,
and I have no right to doubt that.

Kimi ga kureta towa no KIZUNA wo
Omoide ni nante dekiru WAKE nai
Kibishisa no kimi wa kureta kara
“Yasashisa” no touto sa shitta

There’s no way for me to make into a piece of my recollections
the everlasting bond you have given me.
Because you have given me austerity,
I have learned the precious value of “gentleness”.

Kimi ga kureta towa no KIZUNA wo
Omoide ni nante dekiru WAKE nai
Yasashisa wo kimi wa kuretakara
“Tsuyosa” ni kizuketanda Arigatou

There’s no way for me to make into a piece of my recollections
the everlasting bond you have given me.
Because you have given me gentleness,
I have become aware of what “strength” is. Thank you.

Ima agakitai Hon no sae koe
Kubi wa chigiritte Mirai wo hashirou

Now I want to try harder and overtake my instinct.
I’ll shred my collar into countless pieces and dash through my future.

Butsukari ai Namida nagasu kazu wa
Nani mono ni mo Kaerarenu shinrai

The amount of tears we shed after bumping against each other
is the mutual trust between us that cannot be altered by anything.

Genkai shirazu no kimi ga Yuuki wo
Sazukete kureta

You, not knowing the meaning of limit,
have bestowed upon me courage.

Kimi ga kureta towa no KIZUNA wo
Omoide ni nante dekiru WAKE nai
Kibishisa no kimi wa kureta kara
“Yasashisa” no touto sa shitta

There’s no way for me to make into a piece of my recollections
the everlasting bond you have given me.
Because you have given me austerity,
I have learned the precious value of “gentleness”.

Kimi ga kureta towa no KIZUNA wo
Omoide ni nante dekiru WAKE nai
Yurushi au koto no taisetsu sa
Manabi tsuzuketainda kore kara mo

There’s no way for me to make into a piece of my recollections
the everlasting bond you have given me.
From now on, too, I wish to continue learning
the importance of mutual forgiveness.

Kimi ga kureta towa no KIZUNA wo
Omoide ni nante dekiru WAKE nai
“Kudaranai” nante iwa senai
Mamori nuku senaka shinjite

There’s no way for me to make into a piece of my recollections
the everlasting bond you have given me.
I won’t ever make you say “How boring!”
Please believe in me, as I will protect you to the end.

Kimi ga kureta towa no KIZUNA wo
Omoide ni nante dekiru WAKE nai
Shinjiteru Akashi kureta kara
KIZUNA ni tayoreru nda Arigatou

There’s no way for me to make into a piece of my recollections
the everlasting bond you have given me.
Because you have given me a proof that I firmly believe in,
I am able to rely on our bond. Thank you.

Arigatou…

Thank you…

(credits for the English translation goes to http://www.animelyrics.com/anime/fairytail/towanokizuna.htm)