Paint

Enough. I’ve had it. You know what? You’re lucky. You’re lucky that people never judged you. Because you were the “victim” and people always liked you to begin with. This happened before, but it was because of her. I was always the one to blame when a problem arises. Why? Simple, because I don’t show how affected I am. But you? Both of you did the same thing, and that was to show people how hurt you were. You’re afraid of hurting me? You know what? You’ve done nothing but that just by showing how you feel. But that’s fine. Because I am the “cause” and you are the “victim”, right?

When you said to give you some space, I did. We were strangers that time. You know what? I’d rather be a stranger to you than play this game of “friends”. To be honest, I had doubted you when you said we were “friends” because it was so obvious that you didn’t want to. Even so, I still believed we’d somehow go back to how the way things used to be. But like I once said, “it can not be”.

I envy you. When you changed because of this fiasco, people accepted it. Because you were the “victim”. Since I was the “cause”, people thought ill of me. And you know it’s been a month, a damn month now since that happened even so, people still talk about it. For example, someone’s ask.fm? And no, it’s not only yours. What more did I find out? You’ve removed me from your friends list on Facebook. One word. Coward. If you want to get away from me that much, say it in my face. Let’s be real, you hate me. No, you despise me. Like what I said, you are the “victim” and I am the “cause”. We’ve always been an opposite of each other, don’t you think?

I have my limits, and thus far, I’m pretty much ready to explode. Even if I suddenly disappear, no one would care- yes? If you’re a coward than I’m a hypocrite. Fear can be healed but not hypocrisy. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep. I’m tired of calling random people at some ungodly hour just to have someone listen to me cry. I’m tired of trying to get things back to the way it used to be.  I’m tired of pretending that I’m strong. I’m tired of how ill people think of me. I’m tired of crying while writing this. I’m tired of giving a damn. I’ll throw you back a question you’ve once asked me, “What do YOU want?”. I want to paint my world with red and have my peace, but before that, watch me turn into something else.

Advertisements
Link

INNOCENCE

In all honesty, I don’t know what to do with my feelings for Swiss. A part of me is saying “You’ve been at it for so long, just keep going” while the other part says “Isn’t about time you give up? Face it, he doesn’t care about you”. These two sides been tearing me from inside out. I’m starting to doubt my feelings, to doubt whether I really love him or I just simply feel adoration.

I’m confused. I don’t know what to do. My mind’s in shambles filled with guilt, remorse, and envy. I CAN’T THINK AT ALL! I don’t know, I just don’t know anymore! I know I’m saying all this but I… I….. I… I still love him. I know I don’t deserve saying all this with me being doubtful of my own feelings but I can’t help it. I’m such an idiot.  I don’t even have single shred of innocence. So for now, I dedicate the song INNOCENCE by Aoi Eir  from the anime Sword Art Online 

link: INNOCENCE

kakushiteta kanjou ga himei wo ageteru
tashikana chikai wo te ni

The feelings I’ve kept hidden scream out deep down
and I take hold of a new vow.

kiseki dake wo motome kienai yami wo samayou
koko ni ireba nido to mirai miru koto dekinai

Searching for a miracle, I wandered in this unending darkness.
But if I stay here I won’t be able to reach into the future ever again.

koyoi mo tsuki ga sasotte mada kotoba dasenai kedo
kokoro no naka sakebitsuzduketa

Tonight, the moon beckons me once again. I still can’t speak
but I continue to scream from my heart.

kakushiteta kanjou ga himei wo ageteru
tashikana chikai wo te ni
ato honno sukoshi dake tsuyoku nareta nara
me no mae ni aru kono sora koeteyuku kara
kono saki ni aru mirai ni te wo nobasu kara

The feelings I’ve kept hidden scream out deep down
and I take hold of a new vow.
If I become a bit stronger
I can cross over the sky I see right in front of me,
I can reach out towards the future before me.

sunaona koe hibiite hayaru mune no takanari
kimi ga kaita chizu ni yume no arika wo sagasu

I let my honest voice out and my heart races
as I search for the dream in the map you’ve drawn.

kumoma ni sashikomu hikari wazauka ni hashiru kono itami
ano sora ni mata tobitateta nara

Light shines from the clouds, a faint pain runs though me,
and I fly to the sky once again.

hateshinaku hirogatta sumiwataru sekai mabushisa ni me wo hosome
shinjirareru tsuyosa wo mune ni idaitara
kumo itotsu nai kono sora tobimawaru kara

This world spans endlessly and I squint my eyes in its radiance.
If I keep the strength to believe in my heart
I can fly through this cloudless sky.

nakusu mono ha nani mo nai furueru yubi nigirishime
kimi no mukuna egao dake wo yakitsuke

I have nothing to lose, I hold my shivering fingers
and burn your innocent smile in my mind.

owaranai EPISO-DO no hate ni tsukametara
kimi to no omoi ga ima
osanaki hi no kakera wo tsunagi irodotte
futari de kaita kokoro no kiseki tadoru kara

If I can reach the end of this endless episode,
my memories of you
will gather and color the fragments of our past.
I can tread down the road of the heart we drew together.

kakushiteta kanjou ga himei wo ageteru
tashikana chikai wo te ni
ato honno sukoshi dake tsuyoku nareta nara
me no mae ni aru kono sora koeteyuku kara

The feelings I’ve kept hidden scream out deep down
and I take hold of a new vow.
If I become a bit stronger
I can cross over the sky I see right in front of me…

kono saki ni aru mirai ni te wo nobasu kara…

I can reach out towards the future before me…

(credits of the English translation goes to http://atashi.wordpress.com/2012/10/17/sword-art-online-2nd-ending-theme-overfly/)