A waste of my time

There are times when one has to make the first move to know if the other truly cares for her as much as she does.

The first time we I left, you told me you’ll get everything fixed. When we I couldn’t take it anymore, the last words I heard you say was “I swear I’ll earn you guys back”. But nothing happened.

I always thought that I did the right thing- leave before I get left behind again. You left me not once, not twice, but thriceDid you really think I’ll give you another damn chance after you left me behind so many times? Call me bitter or whatever but it always seemed like you’d never give a damn about our friendship- much less leave me behind without a second thought.

cared about you. I loved you like you were my own sister. Did you even care about me? Well considering you left me, your best friend for who knows how long, for some guy who you barely talked to or practically ignored all those years ago- I guess you didn’t. I guess this is where you can say “love is blind” huh?

Honestly, I did leave but even if I did- I still waited for you. I left thinking that you’ll figure out that I meant the opposite of every single damn thing I said. That you’ll know that I did all this for a reason. I held on that tiny piece of hope that maybe, just maybe, there’s still this part of you that screams “chase after her!”. But I was wrong. You didn’t do anything at all. It went on for months and that last piece of hope I had in me- was sure as hell mortifying.

I waited and waited and waited to the point that I look like some idiot telling everyone that I didn’t give a damn but deep inside it felt like I created my own personal hell to haunt me. I waited for so long, but I guess it was time to give up. It was time to completely let go. It was time to move on. You love him more than me, I get it. I walked away from all this pain- from you. I simply didn’t care anymore.

I remember the time you left me for some girl who happened to share the same fandom as you. You left me unknowingly and as much as it was also partly my fault for ignoring you after being unintentionally ignored, thinking back you never tried again. I remember my big sister telling me you weren’t worth it and that I should never remember your existence in my life. And so I did. I spent one whole damn year acting as if you didn’t exist- so did you. But on the bright side I found new friends. Friends to make new memories with. Friends to be happy with.

Who would have known that by the time we entered high school, you’d be back in my life and the friends I met welcomed you with open arms. Might I add my dear sister said I was so stupid to accept you with open arms once again and said “You’ll regret it for the rest of my life”. Nonetheless we had the time of our lives. We laughed, we cried, we acted crazy. It was the most fun I ever had. But then again, time wouldn’t let it last. Things went south once you found him, and mind you, I wasn’t the only one who noticed.

Months passed by and gossips were all around. People didn’t like your relationship, and if I may add, their image of you drastically changed because of it. You were once the sweet, modest and honest girl to them but now? You were nothing but a coquette, a slut if worse. The first few times I heard of it, it pained me. But the fact that I knew what actually happened, and nonetheless you said it was true, made a part of me think otherwise. Just what happened to you?

Time passes by, and here comes the end of the school year. It was practically normal, until you attempted to talk to me. “If she exerts enough effort, I might give her a chance but I won’t give her an easy time” is what I thought not ’til you brought out your little “peace offering”. Sure, bribe me out if, that’ll get us back. Wrong. As much as the intentions were sincere, that one action destroyed everything. Did you really think your “gift” would help? More like it pissed us off more.

So now as I stupidly write all this, and tell myself don’t give a damn anymore, I let boredom take over me and ended up reading up on your profile. And yes, call me a stalker all you want but who the heck cares? It seemed like you don’t care about me or any of our friends anymore. The fact that we left seemed to make you happy as well. God it hurts. I know I left, I know I brought all this upon myself. I know I deserve all of this crap, but it doesn’t change the fact that it still hurts.

I once talked to my mom about all the crap happening around me but then she told me “You know what? She’s lucky to have you. You loved her way too much- to the point that she’s like family to you” and when I protested saying that I didn’t give a damn about you anymore she said “If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be this much affected. You wouldn’t even show any emotion. I see anger, sadness and pain in your eyes every time her name is brought up” and to that I didn’t have a comeback. Maybe my mom was right. Maybe I still do care, maybe not. Maybe my sister was right, maybe I shouldn’t have let you simply waltz in my life. I would’ve been happier that way. Who knows? What’s done is done. I left before you left me anyway. One thing is what I’m sure of, yes you made a part of my life full but the fact that you were about to leave me made everything a waste of my time.

I believe there are more urgent and honorable occupations than the incomparable waste of time we call suffering.
~Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

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FAIRY TAIL Returns!

Fairy Tail’s new opening

April 5, what’s the best thing about this day? It’s simple! Fairy Tail‘s television anime returns! You would probably say something along the lines of “who cares?” or “what about it?” but to me and my fellow otakus, it’s one of the best things we could ever ask for. After it’s one year hiatus, Fairy Tail is now back in action!

Currently, the story continues of where the previous season and ended, basically the Grand Magic Games arc. Right now my happiness is at its peak so I’ll post something as soon as I can 😉 See ya guys!

Enjoy some screencaps ’til then 😀

And as usual, Gray and Natsu fights like there’s no tomorrow

Who else is there to tell them off?

Wendy creating a magical rune

Wendy performing the spell

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I never get tired of their reactions :))

Happy Birthday

How long has it been since I’ve claimed that I don’t love you anymore? How long has it been since I’ve tried to give up on you? How long has it been since I kept telling myself to let go of this love?

Happy Birthday is just something I simply want to say, but I guess I’m pretty much a few days late since you were born on the 29th of March. As cliche as I may sound I’ve decided to write everything I feel felt for you for the longest time. Who knows, you might stumble upon this blog of mine sometime in the future.

To be honest, I’ve tried my very best to forget about you. Constantly thinking about worthless things to get you out of my thoughts. I studied ’til my brain bled, worn myself out during training, had countless of sleepless nights watching anime and reading manga. No matter what I did, you never leave my mind.

I remember meeting you for the first time. I always thought “this guy’s out of my league, but I guess it’d be nice to befriend him”. One way or another we ended up as classmates and might I add, you had actually surprised me. I always thought you were the shy type, but boy was I wrong. You were pretty much loud, rambunctious but you got along with everyone else. We had more contact than I initially thought we would but who would’ve known I’ve fallen for you?

I’d pretty much say that I never properly told you how I felt you but what’s done is done. Hopefully this post would make up for it.

Happy Birthday, Swiss. I love loved you.

Yours truly,

Sakura

Abandonment

“No man is an island” is how the saying goes, why? Simply because man cannot live without his peers.

I’ve lived throughout my life thinking I don’t need a lot of friends, or be popular. I just need to have real friends and just simply be me. And I’ve found them. Friends that accept me for who I am, who can handle me at worst, who would tell me everything straight to my face. Friends that I’d treasure until the day I die.

Even so, I can’t help but feel abandoned. Slowly, but surely, something’s changing. Our bonds loosened, our backs turned to one another. Imbalance, jealousy, silence. Our emotions getting the best of us. One finds happiness, changes, and the other turns her back on her and leaves. One was once inseparable from the other, but then had misunderstandings and went their separate ways. Two kept silent for the better, but then it was brought out in the open and ’caused tears to be shed. One just felt all the pain.

One has other people she cares for, the other has the happiness she shares with her lover, the other two has each other. I’m left all alone.

“I am not needed”, “I don’t exist”, “They can be happy without me”. Such thoughts clog my mind with hate and anxiety. Just what am I supposed to do? I can’t be honest anymore. Should I just keep myself in the dark and feel all this pain? Or should I make the first move?

“And what if—what are you if the people who are supposed to love you can leave you like you’re nothing?”
― Elizabeth Scott, The Unwritten Rule

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Say Something and Unconditionally

Everything hurts and I wanted to tell you so much how I feel right now but I couldn’t put it into words. Why not explain it through not one but two songs? Today, a good friend of mine (Kitty) has read my previous post “It hurts” and sent me a song that fits my situation right now. Say Something by A Great Big World featuring Christina Aguilera, but I think that’s not all. Unconditionally by Katy Perry is also another song that I could relate to right now so I’ll just go through writing stuff based on the lyrics of these two songs.

 link: Say Something

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

You’ve pushed me to my limits. I’m giving up. I would’ve followed to the end of the world.

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

You might’ve had experience, but I’m merely a child in this situation. I know nothing of what to do.

Should I continue to follow you or should I let go?

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

No matter how much I love you, I have to let go. It hurts, but you were never mine to begin with.

Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere, I would have followed you
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something

Please tell me. Say something to me. I’m giving up but I loved you and would’ve done anything for you.

link: Unconditionally

Oh no, did I get too close oh?
Oh, did I almost see what’s really on the inside?
All your insecurities
All the dirty laundry
Never made me blink one time

Did I get too close that you’re not even comfortable to stand next to me?

Were you afraid to show me what’s really inside of you? No matter how insecure or “dirty “

you are, it will never stop me from loving you.

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally

Come just as you are to me
Don’t need apologies
Know that you are unworthy
I’ll take your bad days with your good
Walk through this storm I would
I’d do it all because I love you, I love you

I love you for who you are. I don’t need your apologies for not accepting my feelings.

I don’t care what people say about you or me. I would  do anything for you because I love you, unconditionally.

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally

Don’t let fear trap you. Don’t mind me, I will love you even if you don’t want me to.

So open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart, and just let it begin
Open up your heart, and just let it begin
Open up your heart
Acceptance is the key to be
To be truly free
Will you do the same for me?

Would you let me inside your heart? Sometimes I think, would you ever accept my feelings?

I’d do anything for you but would you do the same?

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
And there is no fear now
Let go and just be free
‘Cause I will love you unconditionally (oh yeah)

I will love you
I will love you
I will love you unconditionally

No matter what happens, I will love you for who you are, unconditionally. 

It hurts

As a kid, I used to love the holidays. The presents, the food, everything. But now it feels so empty.

Recently, I’ve been telling people that I’ve given up on you. That I despise you. Honestly, as much as I want to, I didn’t mean any of that. I love you and it hurts, but giving up hurts more. I never meant to hurt you. To literally slap you in the face. I wanted to talk. To talk about why you hate me, why you mock me, make fun of me…. hurt me. But you pushed me to my limits. I was emotional and I know that wasn’t a good enough reason for my actions but that day I was talking to you, you were smiling the whole time. I was pissed and was close to tears but you were smiling. I don’t know why but my body just moved at it’s own will and slapped you right in the face. It took minutes before I realized what I’ve done and I apologized to you so many times. Regardless, it just got worse.

I thought you were the type to not bring up such a personal topic among your friends, but you proved me wrong. You blabbed it all out. The reason I talked to you, me slapping you, everything. And that was brought in the open for the whole class to know. God it was painful. To have people look at you as if you killed someone, I just had to literally slash my wrists over it.

What hurts most is that after you found out that I hurt myself, you didn’t give a damn. During the first few weeks you found out about me hurting myself, you tried to keep anything sharp away from me. A pair of scissors, a cutter.. heck I guess even a fine tipped pen if I tried. But now? I don’t even think that you’d care if I stabbed myself right in front of you. What happened to the boy I loved? The person who cared for those around him? Or was it just my own  selfish hallucinations?

Sometimes I ask myself, what if I said yes to the boy who confessed to me? What if I just gave in rather than stay faithful on someone who doesn’t even like me? Would I be happy? But hey, I’m only thinking about this now because of all the pain. I know that guy deserves more than an idiot like me.

That’s right, I’m an idiot. I love you to the point it hurts.

To know that one does not write for the other, to know that these things I am going to write will never cause me to be loved by the one I love, to know that writing compensates for nothing.

~Roland Barthes

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You know what? I’ve had it.

The times have changed… a lot. In the past, I’d tell you things straight in your face but I don’t think I can do that now.

A few months back, a classmate of mine (let’s call him Piano) told me he liked one of my friends. Of course I slightly freaked out and demanded who it was. So after going through hellish math equations to get the answer, it was apparently Kitty. As per usual, we’d talk about her but I’d only give general information such as her birthday and whatnot. Two weeks after all this, Piano confessed to Kitty. Yep, you read it right. He confessed after TWO FREAKING WEEKS of liking her.

I always thought his “like” was too shallow. I mean, who in their right mind would confess after two weeks of liking someone?! Oh right, Piano would 😐 Moving on, after the confession, I was like “Okay so he confessed. Nothing’s going to happen anyway”. After about two or three weeks of the confession, I did NOT expect to hear some news. APPARENTLY, Kitty also likes Piano. Yep, just great. Oh and guess what? I WAS THE LAST ONE TO FIND OUT AND THEY FREAKING CLAIMED THEY FORGOT TO TELL ME. After hearing that I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs “HELLO I EXIST” or have it plastered everywhere. But  whatever, Kitty said she wouldn’t get a boyfriend because she made a promise with her family and she isn’t the type to break promises. I think.

So a few weeks passed by, Piano and Kitty were under the “more than friends but less than lovers” category also known as the “mutual understanding” category made for people who can’t become lovers but fundamentally are. Everything was fine… until they started to be all touchy-feely 😐 Well not the erotic one but rather the “public display of affection” type. I mean they sit next to each other in class, since it was already fixed months ago. So when I say “P.D.A” it’s like they flirt EVERY FREAKING DAY. God I just want to cuss so badly. Or rather Piano does the flirting and Kitty does the receiving (really?). What more? I’M SEATED JUST BEHIND THEM. I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, JUST SO YOU KNOW. 

So the flirting involves: him randomly getting her stuff and not returning it, him putting his face close, him grabbing her arm when she wants to move into a new seat, him doing whatever! GOSH I JUST WANT TO… GAAAAAH! I want my everyday peace back! :((( We, yes we since I’m not the only one among our friends who are against this, tried to tell them to lay low. It worked for the first week, but the week after everything just returned to the way it was. And so we tried again…. and again….. and again……. AND AGAIN. NOTHING’S HAPPENING. I even had to go to the point where I didn’t even talk to Kitty!

We’ve tried so many ways to get them to lay low because people started to talk BUT NOOOOO, Piano just had to play the “we have our own life” card. Okay so he has a point, BUT I am a concerned citizen! I am not comfortable seeing what they do every freaking day and it hinders my concentration for studying. HA! TAKE THAT! WHAT MORE? Piano claimed I was a liar! I’m not sure if it’s true since someone just told me, but if it is, I HAVE EVIDENCE OF WHAT YOU DO EVERYDAY. SO DON’T YOU DARE SAY I’M NOT TELLING THE TRUTH.

I don’t care if either of them is reading this but I really needed to blow off some steam. It’s been going on for months now! I know I seem like a bad friend, being against their relationship and all, but I’ve tried and successfully stayed quiet. I’ve been nice for too long and we spoil Kitty too much. This might just be me being bitter about my sad love life and whatnot. Or I can be the overprotective friend, but who cares? Even if I wasn’t bitter or overprotective, people around me say things and I’m concerned about it. So whatever happens, happens. I give up trying to tell them off but that doesn’t mean I can stop being annoyed, irritated and whatnot.

This isn’t even half of what I wanted to say but I need to control myself so I’ll be leaving it at that.

P.S. Kitty and Piano, if you are reading this, I don’t give a damn anymore. So just shut up and move on with life. BUT I won’t guarantee anything.

“Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.”
~Marilyn vos Savant

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