Happy Birthday

How long has it been since I’ve claimed that I don’t love you anymore? How long has it been since I’ve tried to give up on you? How long has it been since I kept telling myself to let go of this love?

Happy Birthday is just something I simply want to say, but I guess I’m pretty much a few days late since you were born on the 29th of March. As cliche as I may sound I’ve decided to write everything I feel felt for you for the longest time. Who knows, you might stumble upon this blog of mine sometime in the future.

To be honest, I’ve tried my very best to forget about you. Constantly thinking about worthless things to get you out of my thoughts. I studied ’til my brain bled, worn myself out during training, had countless of sleepless nights watching anime and reading manga. No matter what I did, you never leave my mind.

I remember meeting you for the first time. I always thought “this guy’s out of my league, but I guess it’d be nice to befriend him”. One way or another we ended up as classmates and might I add, you had actually surprised me. I always thought you were the shy type, but boy was I wrong. You were pretty much loud, rambunctious but you got along with everyone else. We had more contact than I initially thought we would but who would’ve known I’ve fallen for you?

I’d pretty much say that I never properly told you how I felt you but what’s done is done. Hopefully this post would make up for it.

Happy Birthday, Swiss. I love loved you.

Yours truly,

Sakura

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Abandonment

“No man is an island” is how the saying goes, why? Simply because man cannot live without his peers.

I’ve lived throughout my life thinking I don’t need a lot of friends, or be popular. I just need to have real friends and just simply be me. And I’ve found them. Friends that accept me for who I am, who can handle me at worst, who would tell me everything straight to my face. Friends that I’d treasure until the day I die.

Even so, I can’t help but feel abandoned. Slowly, but surely, something’s changing. Our bonds loosened, our backs turned to one another. Imbalance, jealousy, silence. Our emotions getting the best of us. One finds happiness, changes, and the other turns her back on her and leaves. One was once inseparable from the other, but then had misunderstandings and went their separate ways. Two kept silent for the better, but then it was brought out in the open and ’caused tears to be shed. One just felt all the pain.

One has other people she cares for, the other has the happiness she shares with her lover, the other two has each other. I’m left all alone.

“I am not needed”, “I don’t exist”, “They can be happy without me”. Such thoughts clog my mind with hate and anxiety. Just what am I supposed to do? I can’t be honest anymore. Should I just keep myself in the dark and feel all this pain? Or should I make the first move?

“And what if—what are you if the people who are supposed to love you can leave you like you’re nothing?”
― Elizabeth Scott, The Unwritten Rule

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