I remember once writing about how alone I felt despite being around the people I care about the most. Honestly, I can feel it all over again- but for a much different reason.
In my school, whenever you get out of the gates, there’s this area where you can just stay and wait for whoever you want to wait for (basically we call it the waiting area). There were only a few people when I got there and since there was nothing to do, I took out a book and started to read. A couple minutes later, someone arrived but then they were a couple. After them, another pair of couples arrived. Taking to account about who was in the waiting area, there were about 3 couples and me. Fun, isn’t it?
That little experience just felt like a good slap in the face. I was longing for him. Not because I wanted a lover beside me or whatever reason there is, I just wanted his presence. Whether as a lover, a friend, a classmate or even as a mere stranger- I just want him beside me. But that could never be. Things change, and I was the cause. I can’t just step up to him and act like nothing’s happened. I’ve hurt him and I deserve all this suffering. No matter how many times I try and think of something else, at some point, I’d be back to square one.
I miss all the laughing, the teasing and even all our little arguments. I miss all those times I could spend with him. I miss all those times when I could just tell him everything on my mind. Once again, it can not be. Even if I cry, or brush it off, drown myself with books or whatever possible thing I do, it could not be.