Paint

Enough. I’ve had it. You know what? You’re lucky. You’re lucky that people never judged you. Because you were the “victim” and people always liked you to begin with. This happened before, but it was because of her. I was always the one to blame when a problem arises. Why? Simple, because I don’t show how affected I am. But you? Both of you did the same thing, and that was to show people how hurt you were. You’re afraid of hurting me? You know what? You’ve done nothing but that just by showing how you feel. But that’s fine. Because I am the “cause” and you are the “victim”, right?

When you said to give you some space, I did. We were strangers that time. You know what? I’d rather be a stranger to you than play this game of “friends”. To be honest, I had doubted you when you said we were “friends” because it was so obvious that you didn’t want to. Even so, I still believed we’d somehow go back to how the way things used to be. But like I once said, “it can not be”.

I envy you. When you changed because of this fiasco, people accepted it. Because you were the “victim”. Since I was the “cause”, people thought ill of me. And you know it’s been a month, a damn month now since that happened even so, people still talk about it. For example, someone’s ask.fm? And no, it’s not only yours. What more did I find out? You’ve removed me from your friends list on Facebook. One word. Coward. If you want to get away from me that much, say it in my face. Let’s be real, you hate me. No, you despise me. Like what I said, you are the “victim” and I am the “cause”. We’ve always been an opposite of each other, don’t you think?

I have my limits, and thus far, I’m pretty much ready to explode. Even if I suddenly disappear, no one would care- yes? If you’re a coward than I’m a hypocrite. Fear can be healed but not hypocrisy. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep. I’m tired of calling random people at some ungodly hour just to have someone listen to me cry. I’m tired of trying to get things back to the way it used to be.  I’m tired of pretending that I’m strong. I’m tired of how ill people think of me. I’m tired of crying while writing this. I’m tired of giving a damn. I’ll throw you back a question you’ve once asked me, “What do YOU want?”. I want to paint my world with red and have my peace, but before that, watch me turn into something else.

A sense of longing

I remember once writing about how alone I felt despite being around the people I care about the most. Honestly, I can feel it all over again- but for a much different reason.

In my school, whenever you get out of the gates, there’s this area where you can just stay and wait for whoever you want to wait for (basically we call it the waiting area). There were only a few people when I got there and since there was nothing to do, I took out a book and started to read. A couple minutes later, someone arrived but then they were a couple. After them, another pair of couples arrived. Taking to account about who was in the waiting area, there were about 3 couples and me. Fun, isn’t it?

That little experience just felt like a good slap in the face. I was longing for him. Not because I wanted a lover beside me or whatever reason there is, I just wanted his presence. Whether as a lover, a friend, a classmate or even as a mere stranger- I just want him beside me. But that could never be. Things change, and I was the cause. I can’t just step up to him and act like nothing’s happened. I’ve hurt him and I deserve all this suffering. No matter how many times I try and think of something else, at some point, I’d be back to square one.

I miss all the laughing, the teasing and even all our little arguments. I miss all those times I could spend with him. I miss all those times when I could just tell him everything on my mind. Once again, it can not be. Even if I cry, or brush it off, drown myself with books or whatever possible thing I do, it could not be.

Plea

“From close friends to strangers” is what you said. I’m sorry for causing you all this pain. I deserve all of your hate. There’s one thing I regret the most though, I never said three simple words. “I love you”. I know I don’t deserve telling you this but please, listen to my last selfish plea. I love you, no matter what. Even if I fall in love with someone else, I will never love that person the same way I have love loved you.