You deserve better

People tend to compliment me with my wise choice of words. They, if not always, most of the time tell me that I can express myself very clearly. That I’m so intuitive that I can give an answer with any logical question albeit almost turning it into a speech. Of course I wasn’t like this from the very beginning. I used to mumble, to trip on my own words and make so many insensible remarks.

Today, I thought I had the confidence with my words. That I could give you a clear answer but despite being labeled as someone who was good with her words, I felt like I started from the very beginning when I faced you. I kept repeating over and over again everything I’ve told you. I kept trying to find the right words but unfortunately, I wasn’t able to. I felt like I’ve betrayed myself.

I wanted to tell you more. I wanted so much to tell you more. I told myself “if I can’t pull it off the way I usually do, I’ll write”. As much as I thought that it wouldn’t be a good idea to place it here, I just had to. There’s this connection between me and this, and for some reason, I can say everything that’s on my mind here and that’s what I’m aiming for. To tell you everything that’s on my mind, even if it’s embarrassing. So for now, I’m sorry.

I remember everything. From the very first thing we’ve talked about, all the way to the last. All the laughs, the teasing, the text messages, the messages on Facebook, the calls both on the phone and on Skype, the night you went out of your way just to see me even if it’s just for a few seconds. I remember it all.

In those first few conversations we had, I always thought you just started talking to me because you were intrigued. Intrigued with the fact that I like Swiss and that you’d like to know more about it. I never thought we’d have this great of a relationship, heck I even know everything about your previous love life and attempted to help (despite failing). As time passes by, everyday seemed incomplete without receiving a text or having a chat with you. That the day seemed empty without our silly conversations. You were one of my sources of happiness.

Then that fateful day arrived, October 17th. Never in my wildest dream did I ever think that you’d feel something for me. I’ve already told you this, but hearing it for the first time made me feel completely guilty. Guilty because we started our chat the usual way- about Swiss. You were one of the people who knows how much I care for him and as far as I remember, there wouldn’t be any day in our usual chats that his name wouldn’t come up. There would always be a “did Swiss say something about me today?” or a “Swiss looks so handsome” that would randomly pop out in our conversations and that was because you were so close to him that I’d tend to say these things. Although despite being guilty, I also felt happy and confused. Happy because I realized, there was also someone out there who’d learn to love me as I am and confused because I always thought what was so great about a plain girl like me?

When I asked you the question “why me?” you simply answered “just because it’s you”. I told you I wasn’t pretty, you answered “then let me be the first to say this: you’re beautiful”. I insulted myself more and more, but you just kept countering them. You were a person who appreciated me just because I was me. Ironically enough, you put yourself down. You insulted and pitied yourself. Telling me that I don’t need to give you an answer because you already knew, and yet I answered back “let me think”. I thought of nothing but the events of what happened before going to bed and thought of an answer, the one week trial.

Thinking back, it wasn’t fair for you. It felt like I was only using you to forget Swiss, but that wasn’t my intention at all. I wanted to give you an answer from what I’ve felt and not a rash answer that wasn’t given much thought. Despite whatever I tried, I just couldn’t forget him. I’m sorry. I love you, but the “love” I have for you isn’t the same as your “love”. I guess you could call me an idiot- or better yet a masochist- because no matter how much he hurts me even if without knowing it- I will still love him. I feel so stupid for hurting you. For giving you false hope. You deserve way more than what you give yourself credit for.

Your nice and sweet. You see the good in people. You sincerely care for them to the point that you tried stopping me from hurting myself. You’ve seen me both at my best and at my worst. You even saw just how much of a brat I was as a child, but you still loved me. I feel so lucky to know that you care about me so much. Thank you.

Thank you for taking care of me. For being there for me. For always cheering me up. For making my day happy. For seeing the good in me. For cherishing me. Thank you. Most of all, thank you for loving me as I am. One day you will find that special girl. The girl who would cherish and sincerely love you. The girl who will hug you at any given chance. The girl who will stand on her toes just to kiss you. The girl you will someday marry. She just wasn’t me, but she’s out there waiting for you to find her. So go live life to the fullest and find that special girl and let me meet her soon. Just be yourself and smile. I will always be there for you.

P.S. You’re free to read what’s in my blog.

Yet again, I’m sorry for not being that girl you hoped for, but Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.

“The fact that you have failed to get the lesser proves conclusively that you deserve the greater.” 

― Christian D. Larson