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INNOCENCE

In all honesty, I don’t know what to do with my feelings for Swiss. A part of me is saying “You’ve been at it for so long, just keep going” while the other part says “Isn’t about time you give up? Face it, he doesn’t care about you”. These two sides been tearing me from inside out. I’m starting to doubt my feelings, to doubt whether I really love him or I just simply feel adoration.

I’m confused. I don’t know what to do. My mind’s in shambles filled with guilt, remorse, and envy. I CAN’T THINK AT ALL! I don’t know, I just don’t know anymore! I know I’m saying all this but I… I….. I… I still love him. I know I don’t deserve saying all this with me being doubtful of my own feelings but I can’t help it. I’m such an idiot.  I don’t even have single shred of innocence. So for now, I dedicate the song INNOCENCE by Aoi Eir  from the anime Sword Art Online 

link: INNOCENCE

kakushiteta kanjou ga himei wo ageteru
tashikana chikai wo te ni

The feelings I’ve kept hidden scream out deep down
and I take hold of a new vow.

kiseki dake wo motome kienai yami wo samayou
koko ni ireba nido to mirai miru koto dekinai

Searching for a miracle, I wandered in this unending darkness.
But if I stay here I won’t be able to reach into the future ever again.

koyoi mo tsuki ga sasotte mada kotoba dasenai kedo
kokoro no naka sakebitsuzduketa

Tonight, the moon beckons me once again. I still can’t speak
but I continue to scream from my heart.

kakushiteta kanjou ga himei wo ageteru
tashikana chikai wo te ni
ato honno sukoshi dake tsuyoku nareta nara
me no mae ni aru kono sora koeteyuku kara
kono saki ni aru mirai ni te wo nobasu kara

The feelings I’ve kept hidden scream out deep down
and I take hold of a new vow.
If I become a bit stronger
I can cross over the sky I see right in front of me,
I can reach out towards the future before me.

sunaona koe hibiite hayaru mune no takanari
kimi ga kaita chizu ni yume no arika wo sagasu

I let my honest voice out and my heart races
as I search for the dream in the map you’ve drawn.

kumoma ni sashikomu hikari wazauka ni hashiru kono itami
ano sora ni mata tobitateta nara

Light shines from the clouds, a faint pain runs though me,
and I fly to the sky once again.

hateshinaku hirogatta sumiwataru sekai mabushisa ni me wo hosome
shinjirareru tsuyosa wo mune ni idaitara
kumo itotsu nai kono sora tobimawaru kara

This world spans endlessly and I squint my eyes in its radiance.
If I keep the strength to believe in my heart
I can fly through this cloudless sky.

nakusu mono ha nani mo nai furueru yubi nigirishime
kimi no mukuna egao dake wo yakitsuke

I have nothing to lose, I hold my shivering fingers
and burn your innocent smile in my mind.

owaranai EPISO-DO no hate ni tsukametara
kimi to no omoi ga ima
osanaki hi no kakera wo tsunagi irodotte
futari de kaita kokoro no kiseki tadoru kara

If I can reach the end of this endless episode,
my memories of you
will gather and color the fragments of our past.
I can tread down the road of the heart we drew together.

kakushiteta kanjou ga himei wo ageteru
tashikana chikai wo te ni
ato honno sukoshi dake tsuyoku nareta nara
me no mae ni aru kono sora koeteyuku kara

The feelings I’ve kept hidden scream out deep down
and I take hold of a new vow.
If I become a bit stronger
I can cross over the sky I see right in front of me…

kono saki ni aru mirai ni te wo nobasu kara…

I can reach out towards the future before me…

(credits of the English translation goes to http://atashi.wordpress.com/2012/10/17/sword-art-online-2nd-ending-theme-overfly/)

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Towa no Kizuna (Everlasting Bond)

Today, I spent the weekend the usual way I do: watch anime, read manga and fanfiction. So while I was watching a certain anime called Ore to Kanojo to Osananajimi ga Shuraba Sugiru, or just simply Oreshura, there was a certain scene that caught my interest. It was a fight between two childhood friends. Apparently, the girl named Chiwa loved her childhood friend Eita since they were young, but Eita was too thickheaded to even realize her feelings. A line he mentioned reminded me so much about Koi.

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Just like Eita and Chiwa, I’ve been together with Koi since first grade and up until now, nothing’s change about the situation between the two of us. Don’t get me wrong, unlike Chiwa, I don’t see Koi as a romantic interest but seeing these two characters fight made me miss him so much. I know I’m at fault but as much as it hurts, I’ll still go through this for him to realize that we’re not kids anymore. That there’s still a difference between him and I.

I’m saying all this but I’m almost breaking. I’m pathetic, aren’t I? I’m too afraid of the outcome. Afraid that he’d grow tired, give up and leave me. Well he does deserve a better friend than someone like me. Me, a hot-tempered, idiotic brat. Despite what’s happening and whatever outcome I’ll get, I’ll always believe that we’ll have an everlasting bond.

For that, I dedicate the lyrics of one of my favorite openings from the anime Fairy Tail called Towa no Kizuna or Everlasting Bond in English by DaisyxDaisy feat. Another Infinity to him.

link: Towa no Kizuna (Everlasting Bond)

Kimi ga kureta towa no KIZUNA wo
Omoide ni nante dekiru WAKE nai
Yasashisa wo kimi wa kuretakara
“Tsuyosa” ni kizuketanda Arigatou

There’s no way for me to make into a piece of my recollections
the everlasting bond you have given me.
Because you have given me gentleness,
I have become aware of what “strength” is. Thank you.

Kanchigai shita kiyousa hokotte
Yasashisa shiranu Marude ookami sa

I used to boast my falsely perceived greatness.
Knowing not the meaning of gentleness, I was almost like a wolf.

Kimi ga ude wo tsukande kureta hi ga
Ikiru imi wo eta shunkan datta

The day you took hold of my arms was
the moment when I obtained the meaning of my life.

Utagau sentakushi nai Nakama ga
Koko ni iru kara

I now have a dear friend here,
and I have no right to doubt that.

Kimi ga kureta towa no KIZUNA wo
Omoide ni nante dekiru WAKE nai
Kibishisa no kimi wa kureta kara
“Yasashisa” no touto sa shitta

There’s no way for me to make into a piece of my recollections
the everlasting bond you have given me.
Because you have given me austerity,
I have learned the precious value of “gentleness”.

Kimi ga kureta towa no KIZUNA wo
Omoide ni nante dekiru WAKE nai
Yasashisa wo kimi wa kuretakara
“Tsuyosa” ni kizuketanda Arigatou

There’s no way for me to make into a piece of my recollections
the everlasting bond you have given me.
Because you have given me gentleness,
I have become aware of what “strength” is. Thank you.

Ima agakitai Hon no sae koe
Kubi wa chigiritte Mirai wo hashirou

Now I want to try harder and overtake my instinct.
I’ll shred my collar into countless pieces and dash through my future.

Butsukari ai Namida nagasu kazu wa
Nani mono ni mo Kaerarenu shinrai

The amount of tears we shed after bumping against each other
is the mutual trust between us that cannot be altered by anything.

Genkai shirazu no kimi ga Yuuki wo
Sazukete kureta

You, not knowing the meaning of limit,
have bestowed upon me courage.

Kimi ga kureta towa no KIZUNA wo
Omoide ni nante dekiru WAKE nai
Kibishisa no kimi wa kureta kara
“Yasashisa” no touto sa shitta

There’s no way for me to make into a piece of my recollections
the everlasting bond you have given me.
Because you have given me austerity,
I have learned the precious value of “gentleness”.

Kimi ga kureta towa no KIZUNA wo
Omoide ni nante dekiru WAKE nai
Yurushi au koto no taisetsu sa
Manabi tsuzuketainda kore kara mo

There’s no way for me to make into a piece of my recollections
the everlasting bond you have given me.
From now on, too, I wish to continue learning
the importance of mutual forgiveness.

Kimi ga kureta towa no KIZUNA wo
Omoide ni nante dekiru WAKE nai
“Kudaranai” nante iwa senai
Mamori nuku senaka shinjite

There’s no way for me to make into a piece of my recollections
the everlasting bond you have given me.
I won’t ever make you say “How boring!”
Please believe in me, as I will protect you to the end.

Kimi ga kureta towa no KIZUNA wo
Omoide ni nante dekiru WAKE nai
Shinjiteru Akashi kureta kara
KIZUNA ni tayoreru nda Arigatou

There’s no way for me to make into a piece of my recollections
the everlasting bond you have given me.
Because you have given me a proof that I firmly believe in,
I am able to rely on our bond. Thank you.

Arigatou…

Thank you…

(credits for the English translation goes to http://www.animelyrics.com/anime/fairytail/towanokizuna.htm)

Why can’t you see just how important you are to me?

When you say the word “friends” what comes to mind? If you’d consult a dictionary, it’d say “A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.”  despite that, I’d say a friend is someone whom you trust and have confidence in. Someone who understands you more than yourself.

People tend to think a guy and girl can’t become best friends because it’ll most probably end up into a romantic relationship but think again. Although it’d be great to fall in love with your guy best friend since it’d be cute and romantic and whatnot, there are times when falling in love with him isn’t the best option out there. Like say, he knows you all to well and it’ll just remove that sense of surprise with dates and everything or you wouldn’t feel like your actually dating because how you treat each other barely change.

I have this best friend (let’s call him Koi), a guy to be precise, whom I’ve known for the longest time. We met in our 1st grade but started off with the relationship of cats and dogs but after around year, we ended up being together almost all the time. We were always always together, to the point while growing up- our batch mates thought we liked each other or were dating so we always ended up denying it whenever somebody brought it up.

Though it may be true that Koi liked me in a romantic way during first grade, I never ever thought of him in the same way. Ever. I mean we were kids! We were naive, gullible and innocent. We’d make the smallest mistakes and cry over them. There was I time a tried liking him and if I’m not mistaken, it was during our 6th grade. I hopelessly liked this guy (let’s call him Combos) but ended up being made fun of, so another (girl) friend of mine suggested the “like-somebody-else-so-you-can-forget” method. I tried thinking of certain people and somehow, Koi came to mind. Anyway, that went on for almost a month but no matter how hard I try, I just couldn’t like him that way. All I could think of is that he’s my big brother and being together with him, romantically speaking, would feel like incest. Besides, he liked someone else at that time.

So the years pass by and here we are at the present. We’re still together and people STILL think we were or are dating and whatnot, and yes we- or rather I- still bother denying it. Of course my group of friends composed of him and a lot more grade school and freshmen year during high school pals. Despite being together, sometimes I feel like he’s drifting further away from me. He doesn’t trust me like he used to and tells his secrets to another friend of ours (whom he met through me during our grade school years). No matter how hard I try he wouldn’t budge and tell me.

Moving on, one of the bad habits of Koi is punching me. I mean not the fake punch on the shoulder but the literal manly punch. As kids, it was fine. It was normal for children to punch or kick each other but for crying out loud our bodies isn’t like how it used to be! If we were still kids, I’d be able to keep up but now? Does he seriously expect me to keep up with his puberty-affected body? He was always strong in the past and now he’s waaay stronger. What’s more? I’m the only person he does that to. Great, isn’t it? Another addition, his body was ALWAYS numb so he rarely felt any physical pain. So if ever you think of punching him, don’t forget to bring some bandage so you can mend your injuries after trying so much.

Setting that aside, we are currently in a fight. Why? It’s simple. I’m sick of him not treating me like a girl. I mean, I know we’re close and I’m currently overreacting and all but that doesn’t give him an excuse to actually hit me. What else? He does it just to grab my attention. Who in their right mind would actually punch a girl just to get her attention? A normal person would just give a tap on the shoulder or if it had to be a punch, it’d be that friendly punch on the shoulder! Not the full-strength-to-the-point-I’m-bruised type!

What else is there? Oooh that’s right! He thinks I take him for GRANTEDWho on Earth would put up with someone who punches them to the point that they’re bruised and take them for granted?! I greet him THREE times every year during his birthday while he almost FORGETS mine! It was MY idea to hang-out with him and another friend when they almost left the country to study abroad! I was ALWAYS there for him when he needed me the most! How on Earth did he come up with the idea that I don’t give a damn about him! He’s my best friend. He knows me better than I know myself. We were always together. So why can’t you see just how important you really are to me?

Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.
~Albert Camus

 

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Worries

Recently my head’s been spinning like crazy with all the problems I have to face. Exams, homework, and projects are one of the few things I’ve been currently brooding on, but despite all that- I can’t help but worry about Swiss.

He missed school today and from what I’ve heard, he’s been sick since Saturday. Although at first I thought he’s probably faking it, but the chances of him being literally sick isn’t really that low either. I’m so tempted to just send him a message, ask if he’s alright and tell him about everything that he just missed today but I’m not that much of an idiot. I know where my limits are, though our relationship’s been a little bit questionable recently. Are we friends, close friends or simply acquaintances? Heck, I really don’t know what’s going on in his mind.

Last month, I’ve recently been hanging out with him in a cafe with a few friends after finishing a group project. How should I say? Everyone was just so… open. We talked about a lot of things starting from random social talks to personal experiences all the way to opinions of each other. Though there was a peculiar story about him that sparked my interest. He mentioned that during his younger days he was with the wrong crowd, the delinquent bullies to be precise. He’d get in fights most of the time, makes fun of anyone who annoys him- basically you could say he was your average problem child. To be honest, I was quite shocked to hear that from him. I mean, comparing him to how he is now and the problematic person he was, the difference was just overwhelming. Though after hearing about his family as well, I guess you could say that the first thing  the came to mind was “So that’s why, now I understand”. His father was almost always away from home, he grew up without a father figure. Being the kid he was back then, what he’d been doing all that time was just simply to have his father notice him.

Just last week, I heard another peculiar story about him yet again but this time it didn’t come from Swiss himself, rather a friend who was worried about me. From what they’ve told me, back then there was a girl who liked Swiss during his rebellious stage. He learned of it and started bullying her by saying things like “great, she just destroyed my day” or the like. Of course the girl felt really bad but whatever happened to her was never explained to me. My friends told me I should be careful, that I might end up with another Bagel situation the only difference would be it’d be worse. That he might spout nonsense behind my back and ruin me. I told them the story he once told me and a few others about to have them understand him, even if it’s just a little. I guess you could say I put a little too much faith in him despite that, some part of me fears of what’s to come if he finds out about my feelings. Would he act the same way Bagel did? Would he do the same thing he did to that girl? Would he act like it never happened? Or would he be honest with me? It makes me anxious thinking of all the possible outcomes.

Back to the present, for some reason, he isn’t as awkward around me as he was before. Maybe the cafe trip helped? I don’t know, but whatever the reason is thank God he’s not avoiding me. After saying all that, right now I just want to say “I hope you get well soon, Swiss” and drown myself yet again with all the textbooks I have to read.

“But I have my life, I’m living it. It’s twisted, exhausting, uncertain, and full of guilt, but nonetheless, there’s something there.”  ~Banana Yoshimoto, The Lake

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