Falling in love isn’t just all about being cute, trying your best to get his attention, so on and so forth. Falling in love also means accepting the pain and the many possibilities. The possibility of him never knowing who you are, of him hating you and especially the possibility of him treating you no more than a friend.
I had my fair shares of these possibilities and these same possibilities is the reason why I get so anxious. Things like “does he hate me?” or “did I do something stupid?” or the like makes me wonder so much just how much these possibilities plan to play with me. I figured as long as I love him, it would never leave me.
I had a trustworthy friend ask him the same question I mentioned in my previous post (of course without letting him figure things out). To my surprise, he immediately answered a “no, why her anyway?”. God that hurt like hell. It felt like having a sword stabbed straight to my heart. Those words were so sharp and brutally honest. The moment I heard about it, I felt like crap. I tried my best not cry and somehow succeeded. I tried to look normal, but deep inside it felt too painful.
Setting all the pessimistic ideas aside, there’s still a single ray of sunshine where you can be calm and enjoy the flowery feeling of love. Thinking up things like “he might like me” or “he might just be shy” the thrill of imagining such possibilities is almost impossible to describe. I asked a guy friend for some advice and he said “Everything starts with the teasing and eventually the girl will fall in love but give it some time, he probably likes you too and he’ll eventually make his move.” I want to try and believe in this, but I shouldn’t keep my hopes up too high.
My heart beats faster, my pulse racing and my face dusted with different shades of reds and pinks. That great feeling of enjoying love like you have nothing to worry about. I want to imagine more. I’m anxious to know what happens next.
“What happens next?”
“Can I do this?”
“What’ll he think of me?”
“Can I trust myself?”
Different things come to mind and I ponder on the next move I make. There are still many possibilities to get myself a better chance.
“Let no one who loves be called altogether unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow.”
― J.M. Barrie, The Little Minister
The first time I met you- you were a stranger. Months have passed and you’re already important to me. I’d find different excuses to talk to you, find an opportunity to steal a glance or be even next to you. When I close my eyes, I can still see your smiling face. I can hear your footsteps from miles away.
People around us say we look good together and while they mention that, I’d be struggling to keep my cool. To make sure you wouldn’t find any traces of the truth in my face. A friend once asked me “does he have a chance?” and I would always reply an “I don’t know”. They weren’t satisfied so they kept pestering me until I gave up and answered a “probably”. They were delighted and eventually told me they asked Swiss chocolate the exact same question and he answered them “It’s fine”. They were… excited? I honestly am not sure if what they told me was true, but I was absolutely happy. I don’t want to assume anything but it isn’t bad to at least just have some tiny bit of hope, right?
“I want to hope for it.”
“I want to believe.”
“I love him.”
“I care for him.”
“He’s important to me.”
Such sentences always pass through my mind.
Can I put my hopes up, Swiss?
“If you press me to say why I love him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I.”
-Michel de Montaigne
Today I feel utterly useless. As I mentioned in my previous post, the guy whom I used to love (let’s call him Belgian chocolate) loves someone else. Quite normal actually. This time around, I’m yet again stuck in the same room with him for another hellish 10 months and yes as you guys have perceived I meant a classroom. In the beginning I thought “How will I survive this torture?!” only to be proven that there’s not a single trace of remorse or sadness in my system. Probably because I’ve had enough of Belgian chocolate and thought that it’d be better to stay as friends than hope for more.
Anyway, as these almost two months past by, there’s this other guy who’s been on my mind lately (let’s call him Swiss chocolate). I know that I may seem like the type who “easily falls in love” or “whines about every single damn thing about her love life” but seriously I’ve loved Belgian for only God knows how long. Instead of waiting, why can’t I just move on? So Swiss chocolate’s a nice guy. He’s caring, sweet and easy to be around with though I’ve done something wrong. I just had a
small huge misunderstanding with him today and messed up. I’m not afraid of him getting mad, but what I’m afraid of is his opinion of me after this incident.
It hurts. It sure as hell hurts. Just as soon as I find somebody who might’ve seen me as just me, someone who’d likely accept me for who I am, the red string of fate that connects me to him is starting to break. I know this string is meant to tie those who are fated partners together but I honestly think that you have these red strings tied and connecting you to those who are dear to you. It’s starting to break. The string that I’ve cherished for some time is almost breaking. Please don’t let it happen. I want to mend everything back together and have things the way it was before. Even if I might lose the chance of hoping you to love me as I am. Can’t I rewind time and bring back everything to normal?
“When you lose someone, you get used to living day to day without them. But you’ll never get used to the “10 second heartbreak.” That’s the time it takes to wake to full consciousness each day and remember…”
― Nina Guilbeau