Paint

Enough. I’ve had it. You know what? You’re lucky. You’re lucky that people never judged you. Because you were the “victim” and people always liked you to begin with. This happened before, but it was because of her. I was always the one to blame when a problem arises. Why? Simple, because I don’t show how affected I am. But you? Both of you did the same thing, and that was to show people how hurt you were. You’re afraid of hurting me? You know what? You’ve done nothing but that just by showing how you feel. But that’s fine. Because I am the “cause” and you are the “victim”, right?

When you said to give you some space, I did. We were strangers that time. You know what? I’d rather be a stranger to you than play this game of “friends”. To be honest, I had doubted you when you said we were “friends” because it was so obvious that you didn’t want to. Even so, I still believed we’d somehow go back to how the way things used to be. But like I once said, “it can not be”.

I envy you. When you changed because of this fiasco, people accepted it. Because you were the “victim”. Since I was the “cause”, people thought ill of me. And you know it’s been a month, a damn month now since that happened even so, people still talk about it. For example, someone’s ask.fm? And no, it’s not only yours. What more did I find out? You’ve removed me from your friends list on Facebook. One word. Coward. If you want to get away from me that much, say it in my face. Let’s be real, you hate me. No, you despise me. Like what I said, you are the “victim” and I am the “cause”. We’ve always been an opposite of each other, don’t you think?

I have my limits, and thus far, I’m pretty much ready to explode. Even if I suddenly disappear, no one would care- yes? If you’re a coward than I’m a hypocrite. Fear can be healed but not hypocrisy. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep. I’m tired of calling random people at some ungodly hour just to have someone listen to me cry. I’m tired of trying to get things back to the way it used to be.  I’m tired of pretending that I’m strong. I’m tired of how ill people think of me. I’m tired of crying while writing this. I’m tired of giving a damn. I’ll throw you back a question you’ve once asked me, “What do YOU want?”. I want to paint my world with red and have my peace, but before that, watch me turn into something else.

A sense of longing

I remember once writing about how alone I felt despite being around the people I care about the most. Honestly, I can feel it all over again- but for a much different reason.

In my school, whenever you get out of the gates, there’s this area where you can just stay and wait for whoever you want to wait for (basically we call it the waiting area). There were only a few people when I got there and since there was nothing to do, I took out a book and started to read. A couple minutes later, someone arrived but then they were a couple. After them, another pair of couples arrived. Taking to account about who was in the waiting area, there were about 3 couples and me. Fun, isn’t it?

That little experience just felt like a good slap in the face. I was longing for him. Not because I wanted a lover beside me or whatever reason there is, I just wanted his presence. Whether as a lover, a friend, a classmate or even as a mere stranger- I just want him beside me. But that could never be. Things change, and I was the cause. I can’t just step up to him and act like nothing’s happened. I’ve hurt him and I deserve all this suffering. No matter how many times I try and think of something else, at some point, I’d be back to square one.

I miss all the laughing, the teasing and even all our little arguments. I miss all those times I could spend with him. I miss all those times when I could just tell him everything on my mind. Once again, it can not be. Even if I cry, or brush it off, drown myself with books or whatever possible thing I do, it could not be.

Plea

“From close friends to strangers” is what you said. I’m sorry for causing you all this pain. I deserve all of your hate. There’s one thing I regret the most though, I never said three simple words. “I love you”. I know I don’t deserve telling you this but please, listen to my last selfish plea. I love you, no matter what. Even if I fall in love with someone else, I will never love that person the same way I have love loved you.

That thin Line

Remember those times when you were young and didn’t care about the world? Where all that mattered was to have fun? I honestly miss all that.

Even as a child, I dreamed big. I was always so forward (well that’s what people tell me) that I’d do anything to get what I want. Now I’m all grown up and stepping on that thin line that divides me from the rest of the world, it makes me wish to be a child once more. Thinking back, I suddenly feel so stupid for wanting to grow up. I wonder, could I even achieve all that?

This monster called stress haunts me to no end. I swear if I could stab it, or better yet kill it, I would’ve done it while laughing maniacally to no end. Trust me, I would. But the world doesn’t work that way. To gain something of value, you must work hard for it. I can’t whine all the time. For Pete’s sake, I’m about to be part of society! I can’t depend on others all the time. I have to be independent, I can’t be pampered all the time.

Who knows, maybe somewhere in the near (hopefully) future I can achieve all that. All I have to do is to strive do the best I could.

In my soul, I am still that small child who did not care about anything else but the beautiful colors of a rainbow.
~Papiha Ghosh

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Yet Again.

When one makes a promise, you sure as hell have to keep it.

In all these months I’ve been ranting or writing about random stuff, I honestly forgot one point to mention and it pretty much concerns the guys. Believe me, I’m no sexist. It’s just that us girls deserve way more than what guys take us for, so heads up on what I say and please don’t judge.

A few months back, I got in contact with a friend (let’s call him Kyouya) whom I haven’t talk to in years. He was someone I was quite fond of but getting in contact with him was a bit of a pain. I mean sure there are cellphones and emails and facebook or whatever form of social media that could keep us in contact but I was never one for those things in the past. I mean, we were in the same school and all, just in different grades (although we were the same age). Why bother using technology to talk to the person if he’s just right there? My phone was there for easy contact with my parents, social media just for the sake of easier contact with people I didn’t have numbers to. Call it a minor necessity if you have to.

Well that was all in the past though. I was kid, I’d prioritize going out and have fun with the kids in the neighborhood. Well enough about me. Anyways, Kyouya was the same as me- probably worse. He’d barely check or even touch his Facebook, didn’t actually think a phone would be necessary. He was someone who was hard to get in contact with. You could say that was one of the main reasons we never stayed in contact after he transferred schools in the middle of my first year in high school. I was honestly surprised when he just randomly sent me a message on Facebook just to say hi.

Sure I was happy, I mean, who wouldn’t? Kyouya was pretty much like a brother to me all those years ago and after who-knows-how-long of not staying in contact, he remembered me and sent me a message. So after catching up and exchanging cellphone numbers and all, he invited me to meet up at a nearby mall. So we planned everything out. Making sure we both had that day free and that we didn’t have any major exams and whatnot. We were constantly talking. After school, during breaks, on weekends.  He’d call every so often and we’d send each other a text if we were busy at the moment. There were barely any days we didn’t actually talk to each other. Honestly, we’d talk about everything, even the clothes we’d wear on the day we’d meet.

And thus the much awaited day came. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t a date but a friendly outing. I’m not in denial either. I liked Swiss, remember? Kyouya also had someone he likes and might I add he talks about her a lot. And if you think I’m lying, he actually has a photo of her in his wallet and we’d accidentally met her on our little trip to the mall so pretty much I was acquainted with her. Anyways, when I met up with Kyouya, he seemed like a whole different person. He was taller and called me tiny (I’m not tiny! It’s not my fault he suddenly grew, stupid hormones). His voice was deeper and he seemed much more mature than the last time I saw him. Believe me when I say mature, he was this hyperactive brat in the past, it seemed impossible that the same boy was standing right in front me at that moment  being all nice and mature and whatnot.

Okay so we didn’t know what we actually wanted to do so we ended up walking around the mall, telling each other random stories about what we missed (like we don’t do that all the time) until we settled down at a cafe. So after going through hard decisions of which cake was better, it was finally time to order.  I raised my hand to get the waiter’s attention but unfortunately nobody was noticing me, so then Kyouya being him and all did that for me and placed my order (he didn’t actually order anything since we passed by a fast food chain since he was in the mood for burgers, well that was him though). So yeah, I have to confess I was a wee bit late before we met so I let him do the one thing I didn’t want him to do near me as payment. Smoke. Yes, he smokes, unfortunately. I flipped out on him when he confessed that. I mean sure it was pretty normal for some teenagers to learn how to drink but he drinks and smokes and he does it on a regular basis, although he did defended himself and claimed it was just one stick a day or something like that. So when I got my order and started eating, he excused himself to go and talk to a friend outside the cafe while he smoked- well not before stealing some of my drink and cake.

So I guess you guys are think something along the lines of why would you claim me to be a sexist when the guy himself was quite, if not perfect, gentleman? Here’s when things got on my bad side, so after he finished doing his business he returned inside the cafe and suddenly told me he’s gonna meet up with his friends after I finish eating. Okay, wrong move bro but it’s been awhile since the last time we met so didn’t want to act all bitchy about it and said okay, besides, I was going to stay in the mall for quite some time since my dad said he’ll be picking me up. After finishing my little meal, we said our goodbyes and then he said he’ll meet up with me after a few hours (and yes, he knew that I’d be going home late). Naturally, I was alone so I had no choice but to find a way to amuse myself while I wait. Thus I went straight to the bookstore, bought a book (House of Hades by Rick Riordan) I’ve been dying to read for a while now, a mechanical pencil and a bookmark. After my purchase, I went to the most quiet part of the mall to enjoy reading the book and to past time. Several hours passed and I checked my phone once in a while but I never got a call, not even a text, from him. And it was passed the time he promise to get in contact with me too, heck it was almost time my dad said he would arrive. I went to places he would most probably be found, but then I got tired and ended up calling him. Oh guess what? He left. He left with his friends to go out and party and he never even thought of getting in contact with me. Great isn’t it? I was pissed, so incredibly pissed. It’s common etiquette to get in contact with the person you made plans with if couldn’t make it. We planned the meet up for weeks then suddenly leaves me hanging, making a fool out of myself, just because he was suddenly invited to a party. He didn’t even contact me at all the day after. Seriously?

So yeah that happened, but that’s not all. Last month I just really wanted to get out of the house so I ended up getting in contact with Kyouya and another friend (remember Annabeth? If not click here) we both knew, made plans to meet up and BAM! Here comes the day. I met up with Annabeth in the morning, went to fast food chain for lunch but then we a few more hours to kill before meeting up with Kyouya so we ended up going to Cereal’s house (don’t remember him? Click here). Then after that Kyouya called and said he’s on his way to our meet up place and so me and Annabeth said our goodbyes and went to the said place. So since Annabeth hasn’t actually seen Kyouya since he transferred schools, I let them catch up a bit while I go order some milktea. I actually had my own little revenge as well. Since I still had the grudge of being ditched the first time around, I went ahead and rubbed that in his face while he apologizes and promises he’ll spend the day with us. And thus we ended up having random conversations and so on and so forth, well set aside the fact Kyouya won’t stop talking to someone on the phone or text someone. Typical meet ups if I might say so my self. After the cafe, we went to me and Annabeth’s school since we needed something and Kyouya hasn’t seen it for years now. A peculiar call caught my attention. Kyouya was on his phone, again. Trust me, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but the conversation sounded like he was making plans, so yeah. After his call and seeing the school, he told me and Annabeth that he had to go. Thus I was ditched. Yet again. Fun isn’t it?

So ladies, don’t make the same mistake I did. If the guy ditches you, don’t give him a second chance to do it again. If he really, really wants to go out with you, as a friend or lover or whatever, make sure he wouldn’t be idiotic enough to ditch you for his other friends. Or better yet, make him beg. Well if such situation was the same for the guys, I guess you could do the same thing. Anyways I swear if another guy does this to me, that unfortunate soul is gonna get it.

One day I wanna play a guy heart …I want them to Feel how does it feel. Being ditched and taken for granted.
~Unknown

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Mark My Words

If you’re nice to me, then I’ll be nice to you. If you hate me then I’ll ignore you. It’s a matter of give and take.

Today I woke up in the afternoon, I ate brunch, cleaned up after myself and went off to use my laptop. Around later in the afternoon I received a text from a close friend (let’s call him cereal) inviting me to play AdventureQuest Worlds, usually shortened to AQ Worlds or AQ. And yes, I’ve been playing the game for quite a while now. It’s actually pretty good, but I do have to admit I took a break from it for a couple of years. Moving on, I was first introduced to the game by cousin, then slowly but surely, I started to love it. I started off as a healer and currently, I am a level 30 rank 2 oracle 😀 So I went off to finish a certain plot line in the game and got stuck in a very, and I mean very, hard area. I had to get a key as a drop from a monster that’s level 40 and has a life that’s about 50 000. I had no choice but to ask help from others, luckily there were other players in the area so it made the job slightly easier.

As I progressed through the game, stuck in the same area for quite some time now, I noticed one of the players belonging to the same country as I. How did I find out? Simple, the language he used in the in-game chat was my country’s mother tongue. Anyways, after the nth time to kill the monster and not getting the drop at all, the said guy gave up said goodbye then logged out of the game. Oh but guess what? After a few seconds, possibly a minute or two, I was suddenly logged out of the game. At first I thought my connection just crashed, so I tried logging in again. Then game suddenly mentioned that the username and password doesn’t match up so I suddenly got worried. What did I do? I clicked forgot my password.

I opened my email and found what I needed. And yes, what you guys thought was right. I was hacked. The annoying part was the password meant “I hacked this” in our language. I was pissed. I mean really pissed. When I got hold of my account, with me changing the password and all, the first thing I went to was my inventory. Before I got hacked, my inventory space was 35 or 38/50 now it’s currently 18/50. I checked the bank in the game, it’s basically where I store my extra items, it was all sold off. I was also removed from my guild and all my in-game friends wasn’t on my list. Three names only remained on that list, and the aforementioned guy a while ago was there. Of course that raised my suspicions, and I reported it to the mods of the game.

As of now, I’m waiting for a reply so let’s just hope for the best. It’s partly my fault anyway for creating such an easy password and all but the fact that that person hacked my account basically means he/she doesn’t mind stealing. If you stumble upon this post of mine, I hope you’re happy bringing misery to someone who worked hard to gain all those items and friends you just sold off and deleted. I hope you’re happy removing me from my guild. I hope you’re happy with what you’ve done but mark my words, I will find you and you’re gonna get it.

If you give a hacker a new toy, the first thing he’ll do is take it apart to figure out how it works.
~Jamie Zawinski

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